Charlie got his first group of shots yesterday. I don't know if you people know this or not, but they make you HOLD YOUR CHILD DOWN.
While they poke him with needles.
Then they pierce his soft, smooth, baby flesh and your heart dies a little inside. You want to punch the fucking nurse in the throat. She's smiling and saying how she hates doing it. Yea, I'm sure you do you little baby masochist. I bet you and Hitler go way back ya bitch. Meanwhile, I am standing behind Chad because I can't hold my kid down while he screams and his face turns red AND wipe tears away at the same time. Then, she picks him up and cuddles him in her dirty, kitty cat scrubs. Seriously, I look at those scrubs and think about how many toddlers probably pooped on them. Why not just cuddle my infant in a blanket made of SARS and cholera?
I put him in a new outfit for his trip to the doctor. I asked the doctor all sorts of random questions that he smirked at me over. I asked if I am having an allergy flare up if my histamines can be transferred in my breast milk to him, because occasionally his face looks like Will Smith's face in Hitch. I asked about taking him to the pool, and giving him rice cereal. All of which he said no to. Thanks guy, I am leaving here with as little as I came in with. I was looking for you to be like Bill Cosby and make going to the doctor with a baby like having a pudding pop. It's not like I am asking what brand of matches do babies like to play with the most, and how to feed him glass shards. Sheesh
We had errands to run. We needed stupid expensive dog food that only Petsmart carries because Gigi is the most HIGH MAINTENANCE dog on earth and only eats Nature's Recipe.We needed a new vacuum belt and air filters because I have owned our vacuum for three years and thought that my "20's method" of just buying a new vacuum because I didn't know how to change a belt might not be a responsible thing to do. Run-on-sentences rock.
I decided that we needed to eat. AND LIKE NOW! Part of my breastfeeding problem is that I go from zero to I AM GOING TO PULL YOUR KIDNEYS OUT AND EAT THEM in like 30 seconds. I decided that Taco Bell was the best option. In the middle of eating dinner I reach down to check on Charlie. I pull my hand out from under him and realized he had crapped EVERYWHERE. The best part is that earlier in the day at the Doctors office the people were like "be extra careful around his poop because this immunization can give your family the blooples." (I was thinking to myself at that point what on earth are other people doing with their baby's poop that they feel the need to state this?) Apparently, the Taco Bell poops happen a lot. So, I had a little freak out over poop on my hands. We had no purell because we are horrible parents and FORGOT the diaper bag. Great. I now have the plague on my hand. For some reason going into a Taco Bell bathroom never crossed my mind. I would rather just walk around with the plague on my hands. What I am getting at is, Taco Bell even gives babies diarrhea.
I came home and disinfected. Then, I figured out how to put the vacuum belt on and changed out the filters. I am the FUCKING MACGYVER of household electronics.
Having children makes running errands the most impossible task ever.
Haaaaaa, blooples! I love that you have an in-joke on your blog. ;-)
ReplyDeleteSorry that the shots were so traumatic for you and Charlie. E only cried once at a shot, and that was at 12 months, so our experience with vacs was completely different in-office. Out-of-office, well, blooples ahoy. He has made up for his stoic acceptance of shots with his RAGING, PAIN-LADEN PROTESTS over getting teeth. So here's hoping that C.'s got the opposite thing going on and weathers his teeth-growing without a peep. :-)