Saturday, July 31, 2010

I am inviting you in to see what it's like being in my head right now. I am super cranky, sensitive, emotional, and quite frankly bitchy. My friend wanted me to start a pregnancy blog and I guess for me I can't just say I am bloated and bitchy for 3 weeks straight so I will get my emotions straight on here as well.
So, here we are. Two years later and about to leave England. Found out I was pregnant on the 23rd of Juliz. It's still sinking in. I think I have heard so many horror stories that until I get thru the first 3 months I won't accept it as fact. I guess in reality I don't really feel all that different. I don't feel things kicking around in there, and I am not throwing up for no reason. I am having some pretty intense mood swings, constipation, and I have to pee like every 5 minutes. I am also having cramps. Not doubled over OMG kind of cramps but just kinda, dull and annoying cramps. Everyone says they are normal, but it still freaks me out. I am still coming to terms with life changing as I know it. We have tried for two years, and we were at the point that we were about to throw in the towel and adopt. Then, with a move across the atlantic looming, cars to purchase, houses to rent, expenses to fret over, we found ourselves immersed in pregnancy. I had accepted the idea that I would live out my twenties like a spinster, drinking, and being a douche in public just because I could. Now, I must regroup and set up a responsible "mom" persona. I guess you don't really know what kind of a mom you are going to be until it happens. I don't want to shelter my kids too much, but I also know that I would freak out if they got hurt. I want to maintain my own identity and hobbies to allow myself the ability to function as my own separate person.
I have been overly sensitive and emotional lately. For instance, sometimes I feel like someone is looking at me and judging me. I get it in my head and I start hating that person with a vengeance. I could have a boogie or chocolate on my top, but I wouldn't care. I still have it out for them. Little things set me off. I had a going away/birthday/baby conception dinner yesterday. All we were asking was for 1 night for people we know to get together and say hey, it's been kinda nice to know you. While I was focusing on all the awesome people there I couldn't help but think about the people that weren't. Why didn't they come? I did the nice thing and roped everything all into one for people and they couldn't take the 3 hours out our of their day to come see me and Chad to wish us good luck and say congrats? Really? Then, jump on FB to find out that half of them went out for sushi and took pictures of themselves happily eating and not with us? I mean choosing not to come is one thing, but throwing it on FB the same evening is a little bit harsh. I am hurt. Guess you live and you learn. I wear my heart on my sleeve, and I suppose that is part of what you get.
We are preparing for the movers to come in on Monday and take all our things away. We will then go live at our awesome friend Aaron's house for a week until we take a plane out of here and on to new things. I love the idea of going back to a place where one of the best women I know is. I will take the year we have together over nothing at all any day. I am beyond psyched to have her help show me how to take care of my babies. She is the kind of mom I want to be, maybe she comes with a manual. Maybe I can install my very own off switch for myself. Write more in a few days.