Friday, April 15, 2011

Right Now

There will be several posts to update everyone on things like my labor and becoming a Mom. It's difficult to find the time right now. For right now, I just need to clear my head.

Let me start out by saying this.

Dear Charlie,
  When I first saw you I didn't know what to do with my hands. They handed you to me and you were so small and fragile. They whisked you away and I was devastated. I vow to you to love you more than any other woman on earth. I will stop at nothing to protect you and keep you safe. I love the little grunts you make and the way you stick your tongue out for no apparent reason. I love that you throw up and pee all over your Dad on a regular basis. You are the sweetest, most adorable child I have ever seen. We are experiencing so many firsts together and while you may not remember these early moments, I will cherish them as long as I live. I love you and what the love between your father and I created.

I thought that the moment Charlie came out there would be this instantaneous connection. That it would be like a magic wand was waved over me. I would become the perfect mother, and that being tired wouldn't matter. That I wouldn't get postpartum. How foolish of me.

Right now, I am stuck in this weird area of gray. Struggling to find who I am as a Mother, and a being again. So much of myself was wrapped up in pregnancy and childbearing that I lost sight of myself. I lost my sexy and I lost my oomph. There was so much build up to having Charlie that I am sort of at the bottom of the roller coaster wanting to be back at the top. I guess it's like planning and going on the vacation of a lifetime, and the vacation being over. All the anticipation and excitement of what's to come is gone now.

However, now that the "vacation" is over I am left with the next installment of my life. I suppose I am adjusting to that too. The idea of being a family. The idea that I have to think of my children before myself. No more fancy dinners, and nights out on the town (at least not for the next year or two). Practicality has to reign supreme. That is the opposite of pretty much everything me.

After baby comes, there is a huge shift in hormones. I know I am in the middle of that ride. It doesn't make it any easier knowing it's "just my hormones." Having these feelings still make me feel like a shithead. I feel like sometimes I have to "force" the cuddling and the motherly nurturing. It's not instantaneous. I am learning to be patient.

It's all part of my journey.