Monday, December 6, 2010

Guinness Book Nails and Target

Tis the season.

I've decided I hate everyone I know, and they are all getting Snuggies. I'm just kidding. I don't hate my friends and family. I just know if I head out to the stores that have merchandise of worth in them again, I am going to punch an old lady in the face. Soooo, everyone is getting things I can buy at Walgreens.

Chad and I tried to do our shopping this weekend. He got out early on Friday and we decided to head to the local mall. Let me explain our town. There are 4 things to do in this military town. You can go out to eat, go to the mall, get drunk, or go to a strip club. Living here is like being 15 again. When my friend Ally came to visit, we went to JC Pennys. Why you ask? Because I wanted her to sniff it. Yes. SNIFF IT.  It smells like my grandparents basement growing up, mixed with Shepard's Pie. That was actually on the tour of Fayetteville. This town blows. You would expect the mall here to be nice and big,  since there isn't much else to do. WRONG. YOU ARE WRONG.

The mall does have a Macy's. It's the Macy's where all other Macy's products come to retire or die. They also predominantly carry brands where there  is an unspoken rule about about me wearing them. So, while trying to find gifts I decided that buying my sister a pair of velour Baby Phat track pants might not be what she really wanted, we ventured over to the jewelry counter. There are two women standing behind the counter looking at us while we look at them. It was a stare down y'all. Finally, I spoke. I said I wanted to look at a few items in one of the cases. The one lady makes her way down to the area of jewelry I am interested in keys a jangling. She starts fumbling with her keys.....and then.......I noticed it........... She had Guinness Book nails. Each finger nail was approximately the length of two sticks of chewing gum. They were all curled up and bedazzled. I had to fight back vomit and judgmental disgust. Yeah, I judged her. But for a good reason. It's called hygiene. HOW DOES ONE WIPE WITH garden rakes for hands?

Being the a-hole that I am, I was like OK. I gotta see how this lady does things. I knew I wasn't going to buy a damn thing from Claw, but I NEEDED to see how she functions with rudimentary tasks. I ask to see a pair of pearl earrings. She proceeds to pull out a microscopic item from the case. But it wasn't an easy task. For you or me it would be a matter of place hand in case, pick up item, remove item in grasp from case, hand to customer. Not for curly nails. For Curly Nails, this was an elaborate process that took as much fine motor skill as cross stitching. ( I totally just gave a shout out to cross stitching) She had lost all mobility in her fingers, and was using her palms to try to grab the earrings. It was painful and gross to be involved with. I looked over at Chad who WOULD NOT make eye contact with me. I knew he was deriving some sick pleasure from the idea of me trying to take the earrings out of her hand to inspect them. When that time finally came after about 5 minutes of her fumbling, I had to maneuver around the germ catchers. My hand felt like one of those prize claws trying to get at the prize.

I would like to know why this lady chose the jewelry counter at Macy's as her profession. Did she give up a career as a dental hygienist or a surgeon in pursuit of her dreams to have disgustingly long Guinness Book nails?

Ohhhh Macy's lady. You are gross. Seriously. Gross. I don't want any item of jewelry in those cases because I know your sick germ and poop filled fingernails have scraped up everything inside those cases. Then you lock up the cases again, sealing IN all those wonderful little particles from your nasty nails.

Ok, my rant on Target has to begin now. I like Target. Usually they have cool products that seem to be geared towards a younger generation with youthful tastes and aesthetics. The people that work at Target all seem to be relatively happy unlike employees at Wal-Mart. What I am trying to say is, I like Target. Until lately. I am registered there for my baby shower. Right now, there are 9 items on my registry that are "temporarily unavailable." My shower is in 6 days ass holes. Which in itself is another story. I am super excited for my shower, but you can be SURE I will come back with some epic tales. I've got one hell of a family dynamic. It's awesome if you aren't related to me. But, it's in 6 days! People allllllll procrastinate. How's about you have all the things in stock you should. It's not like the items I want are even Christmas gift related. I would be pissed if someone bought me Huggies Sensitive skin butt wipes for Christmas, but sure enough that's an item that is unavailable at the moment. Step back everyone. Mel Gibson is about to emerge. I am going to go take a bath and try to stop him from getting in.

Sooooo Target. Get yourself together. I already wrote you a scathing on-line letter. I will be waiting with bated breath for the form letter I get as a response.


Friday, December 3, 2010

Mel Gibson

I've been slacking.

Deal with it.

I would like to know why the doctors I speak with won't tell me if I am on target for weight gain. It's like they don't want to tell me I am way bigger than I should be. It angers me. I think I am on target and they won't just say yes or no.

I have a confession: Chad and I watch the show "The Bad Girls Club" and we LOVE it. They make me feel so much better about myself. Where do they find these girls? Instead of auditions they just peruse the bars around town looking for the naked chick on the bar stool? Why are they never wearing pants? Why do they get so bent out of shape over being called a bitch? Being called a bitch is like being called cotton candy.

At Thanksgiving my words of wisdom were, "If you poop in it, it's pretty much yours." I was speaking about my home and dogs and their yards, but my friends (mostly Chad) found fault with this logic. I still think it's a good rule of thumb.

I have a hard time understanding the group 3 oh! 3. I like them don't get me wrong, but the one guy looks like Dexter and the other one looks like every manager at The Buckle. It bothers me because my brain can't compute how these two work.

I am sorry I haven't written more lately. Truth is, I am trying to get my Mel Gibson under control. You know that scene in Ghost when Swayze leaves Whoopi Goldberg's body? She's like out of breath and like WTF just happened? Lately, that's been me, but with Mel Gibson coming and going as he pleases. Not so much the drunken racist part, more the fits of incredible rage part.

I've gone full on nesting. I can't find enough things to organize and decorate. I fear I will become like the lady at Joanne Fabrics. I HAVE to tell you about this lady....

Chad and I went in there to get ribbon and the see thru stuff that you find under poofy skirts. We had to wait on this lady buying tacky fabric. Then I got a look at her poor child. She was like 6, and had a perma-picking finger in her nose. She looked at us like she wanted a new set of parents. Her Mom had decided normal clothes for children were for losers. She dressed her daughter in a brown long sleeved shirt, and brown cotton pants. Attached to the ankles and wrists of her outfit were bellbottoms and cuffs made of ruffles with little cowboys all over them. Howdy lil' partner! What on EARTH was this mom thinking? How to ensure my daughter doesn't have a date to the prom? Or, does she have one of those uber tacky houses with a bagillion figurines in the front yard and she ran out of stuff to decorate so she decided her daughter was decorate-able.

That's enough for this post. My next post will be about how pissed I am at 1. Target and 2. toy makers. This sentence was more for me than you. It's to remind me later what I am supposed to be writing about.

I will try to wait until I am full blown Mel Gibson.