Friday, July 15, 2011

My New Mission

$340 a month.

That is what the Army deems appropriate for food.

We spend closer to $600-700 on food. Are we greedy? Do we buy fillet Mignon for every other meal? Are we wasteful? I am going to find out.

The way the Army works is that you get allotments for housing and food.

$340 is how much they think we should spend on food per month.

That's $85 a week, or approximately $12 a day.

There is an obesity epidemic in our country, and I for one understand why.

Michelle Obama has introduced a new food system called "My Plate." The basic premise is that 50% of each meal should be fruits and vegetables. Which I totally agree with. Fruits and vegetables are filled with nutrients and fiber to help you stay fuller longer. What I am struggling with is how to afford such "luxury items" like fresh vegetables. Canned and frozen items are cheap, but don't hold a candle to the fresh stuff. So, I am embarking on a mission. I will be starting another blog page, with vlogs, that show how to create delicious side dishes/meals using vegetables that are cost efficient, and healthy. I am going to try to stick to the budget of $340 for a one month time period. If I can do it so can you. The cornerstone of all of this, is to lose weight, and eat right. I have a child now, and very soon he will be starting to eat solids. I have to get into the habit of eating flavorful meals that have exciting vegetable options. That's part of our problem as Americans, we don't "showcase" vegetables. It's all about the meat.  So, I will be making daily meal plans, and making sure to have a whole grain, large vegetable portions, and a lean meat.

We are the military. We are supposed to be the leanest and healthiest group of Americans. If we can't do this, how can we expect other people to? While I realize our budget may be a little tighter than most Americans, that should doubly prove that it can be done. I will be working on this project in the coming weeks. If you would like to contribute healthy recipes and meal ideas, I will give you credit!

Here's to a long healthy life, filled with cheap vegetables.



The word makes me cringe.

Never before have I thought so much about penises.

As time ticks by, I know that it's only a matter of time before Charlie discovers his. Then, I will spend the rest of my life telling him to stop touching it. So I am pondering the idea of what to call it. There are so many nicknames and all of them leave me with a weird feeling. Seriously, though how many other things can you think of that have so many other names? Penis is the marijuana of body parts.

Wee-wee, pee-pee, weiner, dong, wang, willy, "it", jr., pee-er, private part, and of course, dick. Not to mention the 900 words used to describe it in a sexual manner. There are two basic thoughts on this matter. Do I call it by the correct name of "penis" and cringe every time, or do I call it something else and just feel like I am dumbing down his body parts? Aren't those names semi-shame based?

If I call it his weiner, it is no better. He's already developing his language skills, and I have been calling it his penis for the most part when we are discussing anything about care, cleaning, or diapering. When he is in ear shot (or not) I use the proper term. I guess I also feel like that is a bit "formal" for everyday use. What will the other boys be calling it when he is in social settings? I don't use baby talk so saying wee-wee makes me want to slap my own mouth.

I am just so torn over it. I don't want him being the "Dad" of the play group by calling it a penis while all other kids call it a weiner, but I also don't want him getting all giggly over it. It is what it is. Maybe I am over thinking this. How much does that come up in play group? From all the men I know, I picture them as children, and I could honestly say it would come up like every other word. I was always uncomfortable in Elementary school when I would see a boy standing in the lunch line with his hands on his crotch.

By giving it a different name that what it really is, are we teaching our kid there is shame involved in having a sexual organ? If you address it as matter-of-fact rather than "shielding" them with dumbed down words are we adding to the shame based culture that hides sex behind closed doors?

My Mom called my vagina my "bum." It got really confusing for me. I didn't know what the difference between the front and the back was at that point, because everyone I knew would fall down on their "bum." Even boys were falling down on their "bums." That just lead to more confusion. Not to mention that hobos are also called bums. It was a really confusing part of my childhood.

It was brought to my attention that we don't call our fingers phalanges, so why would we call a "penis" by it's text book name? However, the other names for a penis are all cringe worthy, and in my honest opinion shame related.

On the other hand, if we don't use those other words, are we creating the 90 year old man of the play group? While all the other boys tee-hee over their "willies" Charlie will be standing there with an odd expression of so what? Is the awkwardness of having a penis a right of passage? Is it part of the developmental process? Should I take that "fun" away from him?

I want to be very open and honest with him. I don't want there to ever be a shame based portion of sex, or his body. I remember growing up and feeling like there was something very wrong with me in that way. I don't want to be the hippie Mom either that is like, "yea! go ahead and use our bed" but I don't want there to be such a stigma attached to sex. With the overwhelming amount of accessibility to pornography, it's become part of our culture. Right or wrong, it's there.

So, here I sit. With the question, "To say penis, or not to say penis?"

That is the question.

Shakespeare just rolled over in his grave.

Except I don't believe Shakespeare is dead, just like Elvis and Tupac.

Due to a recent conversation, I am going to be calling it a "urine evacuation unit." Otherwise known as a UEU, pronounced ewww. Done, and done.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

The Reason Why Saved By the Bell Kicks the Shit Out of Normal News Programs

Saved By the Bell kicks the shit out normal news shows.


SBTB never changes. The show revolves around a young gang of kids that all get into little "uh-ohs," and with the exception of some to be continued shows, it ends. I have seen every episode, but at least it's not surrounding murder or dresses. (With the exception of Lisa starting her own fashion line)

News shows lately have been focused on two things. Casey Anthony, and Princess Kate's outfits. This is what news is about lately? Giving that complete waste of life more media coverage than the disaster in Japan. Talking about Kate's 40 dress changes in her time in the US. I am so over it. We all bitch and moan about not caring anymore about these things, yet morning after morning we tune in. There are still troops deployed in two wars, that are risking their lives on a daily basis, and our media covers.....what Kate wore to the BAFTA's. There are puppies out there that have saved babies, and the media covers Casey Anthony's hair style at her sentencing. Please allow me to be the first to say, "WHO THE F*&^ CARES?"

Saved By the Bell may be all reruns from the 90's, but it is over and done with at the end of a half an hour. The coverage of either of the previous topics seems to go ON and ON. Saved By the Bell isn't current. I get that, but neither is Casey Anthony or Kate. That isn't news. That's shit on a shingle. Local news isn't as bad, but it also has local people spewing it that may or may not have graduated from High School.

So, I am boycotting. I am not watching morning news programs. Sure, I may not know that the Pope has a Twitter account anymore, but I think it's a fair trade off. I won't hear brain sludge. I will instead watch Zach getting into one of his many debacles, and getting off scott free at the end. Sort of like Casey Anthony, but without injustice. I fail to understand why that was covered so widely in the first place. Perhaps everyone likes to hear what lego hair Nacy Grace has to say. I for one, would rather listen to Celine Dion sing for hours than listen to Nacy Grace. Which as you all know, Celion Dion sucks.

On SBTB Jessie takes "pep pills" to study, and burn the candle at the other end for a music video she is in. She ends up having a mental breakdown in her room, throwing her pills all over her comforter. This teaches me that she is "so excited, and so scared." I get it now Jessie. Don't take pep pills, and don't be in a tragic 90's music video. Did the news teach me that? No.

I would have to scour the internet to find information on current events that are important. Find out how Japan is coping, what's going on in Libya (I totally spelled that wrong and spellcheck gave me the suggestion of "labia" thanks spellcheck!), or about people that need help elsewhere. On SBTB they find oil under the football field. They are going to be rich! Until the drilling goes horrible wrong and all the local wildlife gets covered in crude oil. I can't remember how that episode ends, but I think they decide to stop drilling and clean off all the ducks with some Dawn soap...Speaking of oil slicks, what's happening down off the Gulf? You don't know either? That's because Kate wore an Alexander McQueen dress to the BAFTA's. Clearly, that is more important.

I would go with the theory of, "they are trying to keep the news light." Then, they cover things like the tot mom. WTF? As a nation, we care so little about international current events. It's tragic. Kelly gets a chance to go model in Paris. She would have learned about culture, and seen the world. Zach was selfish and didn't want her to go. So, in the end she didn't. See? SBTB is the SAME. Except it is over in a half hour and I am not left thinking about how to make a beet smoothie. (It was totally on GMA a day or two ago.)

So there you have it.

Watch Saved By the Bell. It's more informative than news.

Saturday, July 9, 2011

Dr. Asshole - Dentist

Disclaimer: I apologize to all dental hygienists. This does not apply to you. Dental hygienists are probably some of the nicest people I have ever met. Why? Because you scrape dookie out of people's mouths and you are nice about it.

Except for that one time in England. Where she wanted to take her lunch break. Chad went first and came out of the room HOLDING A PAPER TOWEL OVER HIS MOUTH TO CATCH THE SEEPING BLOOD. I went next, and neither one of us brushed our teeth for like a day after that. I still have flashbacks. On to the next subject.


I hate them.

I didn't go to the Dentist for a while after that last pleasant experience. We came back to the states, and I was pregnant. I felt like shit for 9 months. I didn't want to deal with it. Plus, the books I read said that all they can really do is clean your teeth. I decided to just wait until Charlie came out.

That was a bad move.

FIVE cavities. F I V E

I sort of wanted to cry and jump off of a cliff all at once.

The cleaning went well. The hygienist was super nice. She cleaned my teeth and said she didn't see any cavities. All was good with the world.

Then dickbag doctor came in. Do all dentists get their undergrad degree in asshole with a minor in dickhead? Only female dentists are nice. That's my conclusion.

The conversation went like this:
Me: Do you think that this happened because of the pregnancy?
Doctor: I think it happened because you didn't floss.
Me: Really? You couldn't sugar coat that at all?
Doctor: I don't get paid to sugar coat things.
Me: Are you from Ohio?
Doctor: That's where I went to school.
Me: Oh. Cool. That's where I'm from.
Doctor: I didn't ask.

Let me tell you how excited I am to go in to get those bad boys filled on the 19th of Juliz. Just to have the Stalin of dentistry drilling in my mouth. He showed me the xrays and said "to the untrained eye like yours, you wouldn't see them. They are between your teeth." I then freaked out at how they were going to get to them. "Simple manipulations." Really? You couldn't be more specific. How's about you use your words and explain things to me. You just told me you are going to drill 5 holes in my mouth, and you couldn't give more of an explanation than two words?

Now, I fear my insurance won't pay if I decided to go to a different dentist. So, I have to have faith that Dr. Asshole 1. won't screw up and 2. won't be a complete asshat. Look guy, I know you are busy. However, a little nice chat wouldn't kill your practice. My "failure to floss" is money in your pocket to go buy asshole things like knives with boners on them, and $800 shoes that look like duck feet made out of crocodiles.

I don't know where else to go with this, so I am just going to stop writing.

Friday, July 8, 2011

I'm Almost 30, and It Shows

It's getting hella close to my 30th birthday. Remember when you thought 30 was old? Now, I keep trying to convince myself 30 is the new 20, just with less sluttiness, less bad decisions, and no belly tops.

So the 4th has come and gone. I am grateful it's over, and so are my dogs. It's one of my least favorite holidays. It was the worst this year, because our neighbor that is like 2 down from us decided to use his pension to buy fireworks. I am not sure that's true, but it sure seemed like it. Seriously, he had to have spent over $1,000 on fireworks. Just to set them off little by little over the course of 15 hours. You know what's annoying? Trying to sleep through black cats...and it was like he knew people were trying to sleep so he would wait 30 minutes between rounds. Thanks ass hole. I had just rolled back to sleep. I thought of all the things I would say to him. I thought about rolling out of bed, putting on my mom robe filled with baby spit up, and walking down the street to tell him off. I thought about opening the window and just yelling "ASS HOLE!" I thought about calling the cops. Chad had to work the next day, and it was a very early day. I wanted to light his house on fire. It went on and on until 2 AM. I was a complete bitch on Tuesday. Why did every other neighbor do exactly what I did? I was counting on someone else in this allotment to be a bigger bitch than me. Clearly I am the only one that can't stand fireworks past 10 PM. I already tolerate the bombs that go off near the base on a weekly basis. Can we all agree that you don't need to cash in your 401K on fireworks?

On the my next annoyance. I decided that I can complain about things now that I am 10 years away from drinking ensure and playing canasta.

I am so torn over the new style of putting a feather in your hair. It's a little too Yankee Doodle for me (I will call it macaroni), but it does look cute. I also think it's nice that American Indian fashions are finally getting noticed. Did you kill the rooster you have dangling from your hair? Did the primal need to kill take over? You thought after you killed that chicken, "this will signify my kill." It's a little weird. But it's CUTE. I remember the 90's when friendship bracelets went to the next level, and people were putting them in their hair. This is just an extension of that. The 90's fashions are back so why not bad hair decisions? Those freaking feathers cost like $200. $200 for a tail feather that some bird spent it's entire life pooping on. Just to look like your robot parts malfunctioned and you started growing feathers out of your head.

I grow three weird hairs. One on my side that is like white, and like every 5 months I am like "What the hell is that?" Just to see that my body malfunctioned and decided to grow a 4 inch hair on my torso. Is that what these feathers are supposed to be like? I am also sort of against an animal being raised just to be killed it for it's tail feathers. Haven't we thought of enough ways to show our dominance over things without thumbs? Poor chickens, they already taste delicious. Now we are playing with their dead carcasses as well? I have a new rule, unless you personally killed that chicken, you can't have it glued in your hair. Plus, you look ridiculous white girl. Unless your name is "Runswithwind" and you just go by Debbie, STOP IT. It doesn't make you look Bohemian. It makes you look like the Coach bag was too heavy to have glued into your hair. If you want to look Bohemian, try not showering and living out of a shopping cart.

Does your feather require a special shampoo? Where do you buy feather shampoo? Tractor Supply? Did your feather come with a dream catcher and a 65 year old man that smokes way too much pot? Do you like the smell of patcholi? The questions I have. There is now even and infomercial for clip in feathers. They show the ease with which you can "change up your look" by clipping it in, in a different region of your hair. Really? You need to show me a video for that? Pretty sure I can figure out how to look douchey on my own. Incase you were curious here... now you too can look like a jackass! Don't kid yourself into thinking you DON'T look like the people in this video if you have a more expensive one. You do. Trust me. You do. It's just you can see it more clearly on someone other than yourself. Take the feather out. You will thank me. I promise.

Maybe I should start selling my weird hairs as clip in extensions too.