Tuesday, May 31, 2011

From Folley Bulbs to Farts, This Is My Birth Story

Sometimes I think I should bookmark my blog site. It makes way more sense than having to wade thru my facebook page for 20 minutes finding a link to my last post. Sometimes, I'm not so smart. 

Ok. Here it is. The birth story....

I was induced on March 25th at 9 AM. Induction is different for everyone. The doctors felt that for me, it should be more like medieval torture. They used a Foley bulb to induce me. That is where they stick a deflated balloon in there, fill it with saline until it is the size of a orange, and then slowly over the course of 12 hours pull it out. Yea, that sucked...but the worst part was not peeing for 8 hours. Not because I didn't want to, but because there was a tube connected to the balloon and it was located over the apparatus needed to urinate. Thanks doctors. That was the worst part of my labor. That was worse than the 4 hours of squats that come later. Once the doctor was like, "No it's not normal not to be able to pee." They untaped that tube and I went crying into the bathroom to lean on Chad while he turned on the tap water. (The toilets at that hospital are also made for giants.) I had the Austin Powers pee of a lifetime. It was seriously like 2 minutes long. That's where the pain came in...contractions are bad...but with a full bladder I felt like asking for a c-section. 

You know what classy ladies that have babies do? They post pictures of the Foley bulb they made their husband fish out of the trash. In his other hand he is holding a tube of Bonne Bell Chap stick...I think this would make an EXCELLENT ad for their chap stick for girls. "If you wear this chap stick don't be a slut, or you will end up with one of these things in you."

If you were curious, it was the Guava flavored chap stick.

So, the bulb finally comes out around 10 PM. Contractions get more intense as your dilate further. I wasn't about to wait until I couldn't stand the pain, because from the way the nurse acted when she pulled the bulb out I clearly had a high pain tolerance. So, the contractions suck, so I pretty much went from bulb out to epidural in. That's about when awesome happens. What's awesome? Epidurals. They are the unicorns and rainbows of childbirth. What I didn't expect was the speed with which they took care of my request...I said I wanted an epidural and 2 minutes later they where in there with the cart having me sit up and shining scary bright lights all over me. Meanwhile the lady in the room next to me asked for one and crowned in the middle of them giving me mine. Whoops. Sorry about your terrible luck lady next door. Ask sooner next time.

There is so much to tell with this story...I feel like this post could potentially become boring...I feel the need to skip some parts to get to the good parts. I am going to jump around and do "meanwhiles." That's my fancy way of saying all this shit was happening at once.

I had black beans and rice the day before I went in to be induced. Bad choice. So, the unicorn of childbirth kicks in and I am left to numb it out thru the rest of my labor. Contraction after contraction occur and I felt like I was skipping thru a meadow. What you don't think about with an epidural is that it relaxes everything...and I mean everything. About an hour after I got the epidural, I started noticing tooting noises and vibrations coming from my butt. I WAS MORTIFIED! If you have been following along all this time, you know that I DO NOT pass gas. Luckily, we brought a big blanket in case I was cold. I politely asked for my blanket and then proceeded to not so stealthly muffle my toots...This became "the fart blanket."  My Mom came in to visit. The reason I was induced in the first place was because my blood pressure was kinda high. So, every time she would come in the room my sister, Chad and I would have a good laugh. Like clockwork my blood pressure would shoot up. Mostly because the look on her face every time she looked at me was more like I was murdering puppies than in labor. Her face made me freak out. That's why she spent more of my labor in the waiting room, than in with me. She is not equipped to keep me calm. It made me feel bad. She spent most of my labor behind a door peering thru the glass...I picture her with her hand on the glass slowly pawing at it with a big frowny face. I would let her come see me as a kindness, and I guess the waiting room was in the -30 degree area, and when she came in she asked to borrow my blanket. Chad smiled and gladly obliged. After she left, my sister then said, "She covered herself in a blanket of farts." Awesome.

That blanket is totally on my couch right now.

This whole process started at 9 AM on Friday and by saturday at noon, there was talk of a C section. I was starting to freak out. Why? Because I didn't want to be cut open while I was wide awake. The thought of that mixed with having a scar was enough for me to stop at nothing to get this baby out the natural way. I told the doctors I thought he was turned sideways. The Doctors rolled their eyes. What I have left out is that a doctor comes in every hour or so to check your progress and STICKS BOTH HANDS ALL UP IN THERE. While I thought being an OBGYN was bad before, I can assure you that now I think it's the worst job in the world. A couple hours later the doctor is like, yea, the baby is turned. THAT'S WHAT I SAID! grrrr. At that point a c section was looking like the only answer because I had been in labor for ohhhhhh 26 hours. The nurse suggests an alternate method...she suggests that I try rocking a little bit to slide him into a better posistion. EVERYTHING got better at this point. I was up and moving around I was doing these squat thing, and I felt a ton better because I didn't have to stay still. I did squats for 4 hours, and finally he was ready to come out. I could still feel everything.

I did infact poop.

Don't eat beans before a scheduled birth.


More to come.




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