Thursday, October 13, 2011

Giant Baby

Charlie took it upon himself yesterday to undo his diaper and pee all over himself. I put him down for a nap and the screaming that came from his room would be tat amount to being lit on fire.

I want to talk about weird baby people, and giant baby problems.

Maybe I have a weird thing when it comes to my kid, but I get all weird when people I don't know want to hold my kid. I spent 34 hours pushing that kid out, and 6 months milking myself so he could become gigantic baby. I am invested. I'm just saying it's a little weird when we are at the auto body shop and someone just holds out their arms to hold my kid. What if they are the butterfingers of their family? How would I know? I just think I should at least be on a first name basis, and maybe a firm handshake before I hand over my baby. I could then assess whether or not you have the hand strength and non-limp wrist needed for baby holding. I also want to know the person's first name so that if they suddenly drop my kid, I know what name to scream out when I then murder them.

I've never been a baby holder. I don't seek out other people's children to hold them. Especially people I don't know. I guess it is very person dependent. A few months ago Chad and I went to a wine and beer shop and the owner asked to hold him. I just handed him over like SURE! I mean she sells booze, she has to be cool right? I am sure that is a parent fail. However, she was older, and he smiled like crazy to be with her. When I let the lady at the body shop hold him he looked over at me with this look on his face like, "WTF are you doing to me? STRANGER DANGER!" Then looked back at her as if to say, "I'm totally farting on your right now."

I have a gigantic baby. He's 22 lbs and 6 months old. That puts him the 98% for weight. I don't think you understand how heavy that is. That's 1/5 of my body weight. I kind of want a sled to drag him around behind me. He's in this new phase where if I leave the room for a second he screams his head off. He wants me to carry him around like I'm some sort of pack mule. I have a TON of clothes that he just skipped right over and didn't even get a chance to wear because he went from 6 lbs to 22 in like 2 months. I am sick of the judgy eyes on me. If you look at the size of Charlie, he should be walking and sitting up and doing things that 1-2 year olds do....people don't realize he is a mutant giant baby. They think I am just carrying him around as a super protective Momma Bear. The carrier does make it easier to keep people from trying to hold him though.

Ever since I had Charlie, I am afraid to use junior tampons. I fear it will get lost in the abyss.

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