Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Tonsil Freak Out

You know what no one ever tells you about child birth? That after you are done pushing the baby out, you aren't done yet. You still have to deliver the afterbirth. By that point you are about to kick someone in the face. They also forget to mention that you will lose like 1/4 of your hair. My sister-in-law mentioned that it happened to her, but that it happened right after she had the baby....My hair decided to wait 6 months before coming out in clumps like some sort of stray dog.

I am getting my tonsils out on Monday. I am beyond a wreck over it. Maybe I don't really need to do this. Sure the doctor said that if I wait, I will just have to have it done in a few years out of necessity, but what if he's wrong? I'm not so worried about the recovery part. That will suck, but after having a baby I am pretty confident I can deal with a tonsil removal. I mean, as long as my throat doesn't swell up like my nether regions did, I think I am good.

I am worried about anesthesia. I hate sleeping as it is. I don't like missing anything, and I really just don't like sleeping. I am freaked out that I won't be awake during all of this. The loss of control, and the complete lack of ability to know what the hell is going on. Wait, am I going to have to get a catheter again? OMG I HOPE NOT. What if the doctor (who looks just like Neil Patrick Harris) decides to sneak a peak at my raisin boobs? What if I go in there and I am out cold, and they read the wrong chart and remove my left arm? I guess part of it is that I don't have that much faith in Army docs.

My Pap had his tonsils out during WWII. They gave him a shot of whiskey and then held him down and just cut them out with what he described as a pair of rusty curved scissors. I remember sitting in his part of the house as a little girl and him telling me about it. My Pap had black lung, and a plethora of other issues. He never mentioned the horribleness of recovering from a triple bypass surgery...he DID mention the horrible nature of his tonsil removal. I guess that kind of leaves me a little worried.

What if they go in there take them out, and I end up sounding like Paris Hilton for the rest of my life. I can't pull off that stupid baby voice. I need a voice that people take seriously when I am telling them I have a peg leg because I went in for a routine tonsil surgery and I ended up missing a leg, and still had to have my tonsils out.

I hope the doctor doesn't judge me for all my cavities. Do you think ear nose and throat doctors look at tonsils like plastic surgeons look at boobs? I will have just ovulated right before surgery. Will that hurt the baby if I am pregnant? Will it ruin my chances of getting pregnant? I got a flu shot yesterday, will that make me die when I get my tonsils out? How many people die from tonsil surgery? How many milkshakes can I have in a day? Will it bring the boys to the yard?

Ovulation is painful. I don't know how bitches do it every month. If this is what if feels like to ovulate, I would like to thank my body for opting out.

1 comment:

  1. Ovulating is a bitch. Ask me, I'm the lady who's sacked out on the couch, doped up on prescription strength ibuprofen every time it happens.

    If it makes you feel any better, baby-pushing-out was waaaaay worse than tonsils. Although I did both things about 20 years apart, so my pain recollection from age 10 may be a bit hazy.

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