I'm Almost 30, and It Shows

It's getting hella close to my 30th birthday. Remember when you thought 30 was old? Now, I keep trying to convince myself 30 is the new 20, just with less sluttiness, less bad decisions, and no belly tops.

So the 4th has come and gone. I am grateful it's over, and so are my dogs. It's one of my least favorite holidays. It was the worst this year, because our neighbor that is like 2 down from us decided to use his pension to buy fireworks. I am not sure that's true, but it sure seemed like it. Seriously, he had to have spent over $1,000 on fireworks. Just to set them off little by little over the course of 15 hours. You know what's annoying? Trying to sleep through black cats...and it was like he knew people were trying to sleep so he would wait 30 minutes between rounds. Thanks ass hole. I had just rolled back to sleep. I thought of all the things I would say to him. I thought about rolling out of bed, putting on my mom robe filled with baby spit up, and walking down the street to tell him off. I thought about opening the window and just yelling "ASS HOLE!" I thought about calling the cops. Chad had to work the next day, and it was a very early day. I wanted to light his house on fire. It went on and on until 2 AM. I was a complete bitch on Tuesday. Why did every other neighbor do exactly what I did? I was counting on someone else in this allotment to be a bigger bitch than me. Clearly I am the only one that can't stand fireworks past 10 PM. I already tolerate the bombs that go off near the base on a weekly basis. Can we all agree that you don't need to cash in your 401K on fireworks?

On the my next annoyance. I decided that I can complain about things now that I am 10 years away from drinking ensure and playing canasta.

I am so torn over the new style of putting a feather in your hair. It's a little too Yankee Doodle for me (I will call it macaroni), but it does look cute. I also think it's nice that American Indian fashions are finally getting noticed. Did you kill the rooster you have dangling from your hair? Did the primal need to kill take over? You thought after you killed that chicken, "this will signify my kill." It's a little weird. But it's CUTE. I remember the 90's when friendship bracelets went to the next level, and people were putting them in their hair. This is just an extension of that. The 90's fashions are back so why not bad hair decisions? Those freaking feathers cost like $200. $200 for a tail feather that some bird spent it's entire life pooping on. Just to look like your robot parts malfunctioned and you started growing feathers out of your head.

I grow three weird hairs. One on my side that is like white, and like every 5 months I am like "What the hell is that?" Just to see that my body malfunctioned and decided to grow a 4 inch hair on my torso. Is that what these feathers are supposed to be like? I am also sort of against an animal being raised just to be killed it for it's tail feathers. Haven't we thought of enough ways to show our dominance over things without thumbs? Poor chickens, they already taste delicious. Now we are playing with their dead carcasses as well? I have a new rule, unless you personally killed that chicken, you can't have it glued in your hair. Plus, you look ridiculous white girl. Unless your name is "Runswithwind" and you just go by Debbie, STOP IT. It doesn't make you look Bohemian. It makes you look like the Coach bag was too heavy to have glued into your hair. If you want to look Bohemian, try not showering and living out of a shopping cart.

Does your feather require a special shampoo? Where do you buy feather shampoo? Tractor Supply? Did your feather come with a dream catcher and a 65 year old man that smokes way too much pot? Do you like the smell of patcholi? The questions I have. There is now even and infomercial for clip in feathers. They show the ease with which you can "change up your look" by clipping it in, in a different region of your hair. Really? You need to show me a video for that? Pretty sure I can figure out how to look douchey on my own. Incase you were curious here... now you too can look like a jackass! Don't kid yourself into thinking you DON'T look like the people in this video if you have a more expensive one. You do. Trust me. You do. It's just you can see it more clearly on someone other than yourself. Take the feather out. You will thank me. I promise.


Maybe I should start selling my weird hairs as clip in extensions too.