"Hipster" Panties

     I am THAT girl. The one that bends over and exposes an sea of light green cotton, in the form of "hipster" panties. That's the new term for, "I don't like things around my butt hole." I take issue with thong underwear. Yep, I said it. I am one of those girls that is NEVER sexy, because I refuse to put them on. (Unless it's for 3 minutes right before Chad gets home from work and I actually text him to see when he is going to be home and wait until it is in the 3 minute window.) I know there are different types of thong underwear. It doesn't make one bit of difference to me.
    
      When I was in college, I wore them. I was disgusted by visible panty lines. Now, when Chad and I go out this is a regular conversation.
Liz: Can you see cellulite thru the pants?
Chad: (Awkward silence. Cricket. Cricket.)
Liz: Use your words.
Chad: I don't know what you are talking about. I can see you are wearing underwear.
Liz: No, seriously Chad, I don't give a crap about my granny panties. Can you see dimples?
Chad: (long pause) I'm not comfortable with these questions.
Liz: FINE, I just won't go.
Chad: Good, I didn't want to go anyway.
Then, I just cave and try to find pants that I have bought in the past 5 years rather than wearing stuff from college. I think my self esteem would go way up if I would part with things from my college years. It must be the hoarder in me, or some form of emotional cutting. Every now and again, I will try to squeeze into a pair of jeans I wore in college like 2 times, when I wasn't bloated, and clearly wasn't eating. I found myself wanting to do it a few days ago! What kind of freakish perverted bitch lives inside me??? I am 3+ months pregnant!

      Back to this so-called underwear. I have a few problems with them. First of all, the "comfortable" ones are nothing more than a very thin string in the rear. Now, to get from the string to the crotch there isn't much space for the obligatory crotch triangle to really spread out to be adequate in any way. So, why bother? Is it there as an extra barrier incase you sneeze too hard? The other problem I have is that, well... some people (not me of course) grow hair back there. I can only imagine it is not an area that is 1. easy to shave or 2. takes kindly to it. People who get it waxed can wear whatever they want around it if you ask me. So, if there is any kind of hair growth around there, you are essentially "threading" that hair every now and again. (threading, for anyone who does not know, is the process of removing hair by using a piece of thread that is doubled on itself and used as a torture device similar to tweezers) EXTRA. BIG. TIME. PASS. How can anyone in a thong smile? Maybe that's why there are pictures of me from college looking less than thrilled. I was trying to mentally will the string to the outside of one butt cheek or the other.
  
      Since thong underwear is pretty much completely useless, I would like to provide a few alternatives to save money.
 1. A female condom.
 2. a grouping of band-aids
 3. scotch tape
 4. a pad stuck directly to the inside of your pants.
 5. a sock
I say go on girl, be the thong Macgyver. Or, stop torturing yourself and just buy 1 size bigger pants, and "hipster" panties.