Thursday, September 30, 2010

My Fun Day at the Doctors

      Yesterday, I had the pleasure of having my annual physical done. It was by far THE WORST exam I have ever had. It occurred to me that T-Money might be a girl, and that telling her about this would be sort of important. I don't think I was fully prepared for a "sexually active" physical exam when the time came around. I'm not sure why I put "sexually active" in quotes. While I was in the stirrups awkwardly holding Chad's hand, we made eye contact. The look on his face was shock and a bit of horror. It dawned on me. Men should know about this too. If T-Money is a boy, and he decides to convince some girl (when they are both 33) to do it, he should know what she goes thru every year to continue doing it. (doing it should be in quotes) I decided blogging would be the best way to get the word out.

      You are escorted to your examination room by one of two people; the overly cheery, and fake happy nurse, or the disgruntled nurse, wearing kitty scrubs, that is two seconds away from losing it. You will then be instructed to take a seat on a table with wax paper on it and a puppy pad placed at the bottom. They will then hand you a paper towel gown and a long sheet of paper towels you are supposed to use for privacy to cover your bottom half. (I am 5'2 and the sheet is nothing more than a few postage stamps) When you find out what's to come you will laugh that they even offer you the privacy sheet. Some places will give you a cotton gown and sheet to use. I find this creepy because that makes me wonder how many other vaginas have been near that gown. You are allowed to leave your socks on, for dignity. Otherwise, undress completely, slit in the front. Prepare to sit there cold, while the doctor leaves the room to come back 30 minutes later. You will be freezing and pissed off by this point and preparing to put your clothes back on.

      The Doctor will come back in, and check your lungs. Then, you will be asked to lay down. S/he will give you a breast exam. You will be asked to put an arm behind your head. While she is feeling you up, she will ask you questions like, "How long have you been sexually active, how many partners have you had, do you wanna grab dinner some time?" The Doctor will then cover you back up, tucking in your shame simultaneously.

      The next part is the most fun. It involves a metal duck bill, and a q-tip with a razor blade on the end. They will have you scoot all the way to the end of the table, and they will sit on a chair, directly at crotch level. They will have a bendy light they will point directly at your bits. While all of this is going on a nurse will come in and lurk behind the doctor. If it is anything like my experience yesterday, the doctor will opt out of using actual lubrication and just use warm water instead. They will tell you to relax, you won't be able to. It will hurt. They will then use some sort of cork screw device and crank you open so that they can start the next portion. He or she will tell you that this won't hurt. They are lying. He/she will stick a long q-tip into you. You will think, that won't be bad. Right after that, he/she will stick a long stick with a razor blade on it in there and scratch you. It will hurt. You will bleed. Women doctors will hurt you more than men.

      Then, you think the process if over. That your humiliation can start to subside. OH NO that is not the case. The doctor will now start the process of sticking their fingers inside to feel around. I asked my Doctor yesterday what she was feeling for. She rolled her eyes, like I should know. Sorry lady, I didn't go to medical school to look at vagina all day. They will be feeling your cervix and uterus. It will be very uncomfortable. I think that most OB's take a semester in how to make a patient feel awkward.

      The doc will get up, hand you a wet wipe, some tissues, wash their hands, and leave. You will hold the wet wipe, wondering if they are trying to tell you something. You will just assume you can put your clothes back on. Then, you will wonder what you should do with your "gown" after you take it off. You will get dressed, and sit back down on your puppy pad. The doctor will come back in and you will then be forced to my eye contact with someone that has seen your insides. There will be no small talk.

      In closing, T-Money: If you are a girl, make sure you really love him. You gotta ask yourself if this is worth it. If you are a boy, she really loves you, don't break her heart.

2 comments:

  1. This, my friend, is just the beginning. The indignities will multiply. I know. Not what you want to hear. One of my docs gave me a cervix check in the middle of a conversation with me, without even looking. Thank God that old codger didn't deliver me.

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  2. Call me crazy, I just wanted a little lube...and a doctor that had a personality. I can only imagine my vagina will be a clown car by the time it's all over.

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