lately

I am feeling so lost. I practically foam at the mouth for social interaction of any type. I went to get my hair cut on Friday, and I just kept having verbal blooples. I just wanted to talk to someone. My social life consists of a 4 month old, and a breast pump. Oh, and the awkward conversations about all things weird with my Mom. I'm not feeling sorry for myself. I am just purging this here. I just feel really trapped. I can't really go anywhere or do anything, because my milk supply suffers as a result. So, here I stay. On the couch. Watching episodes of How I Met Your Mother for the 30th time.

Charlie is sleeping better these days, and I have really had to help him to realize he is tired. Now that he sleeps and takes naps he is such a happy baby. I get excited when I hear him cry that he is waking up. I look forward to our interactions. He's smiling, and cooing, and he laughs....just not for me. That's something he reserves for Chad only.

I guess that right now, I am mourning the loss of my previous life. The life that didn't involve diaper bags, and car seats, and floppy boobs. I miss being able to think about going places and doing things. It doesn't help that I don't have a car which makes me feel like a bigger looser. But, I am not. 1 car is really all we need, and where would I go? Wal-Mart? I don't think so.

Chad's job is ridiculous lately. He works with the biggest idiots on earth right now. (there are some exceptions to this) but it has made him have to be away for about 12 hours each day. It's wearing on him, and me. What's even more frustrating is that it's not for anything important. It's because Joe can't put his pants on right, and Sally decided to just show up everyday at noon. The higher ups are of no help, and the strain can be seen on his face everyday. It hurts me to see him looking so beat down. Chad used to work the watch shift in England that was 12 hours on 12 hours off for 4 days straight. It was so hard on both of us. This seems to be like deja vu(sp?). I could understand this type of situation if there was something important going on, but there isn't. He's basically just running himself silly over nothing. He's tired from the moment he gets home, until we go to bed at 9:30. He isn't getting time to himself, because I need time to make dinner, and take care of things around the house when he gets home from work.

So, here I am. I dream of a little escape. An escape where there is no breast pump waiting for me every 2 hours. There are no douches at Chad's work to deal with. A place where I don't have to get my tonsils out, because of the GROSSEST thing on earth. Wanna throw up this morning? Google search tonsil stones.

I just feel a little claustrophobic lately. I am sure it's all normal, but it doesn't make it any easier.