My Fox News Piece

Fox news gets a lot of bad press these days. I for one am tired of it. As Hurricane Irene heads towards where I am currently living, I can't help but have a small panic attack imagining myself cooking small pieces of half thawed steak above a zippo lighter. Since this whole hurricane will somehow be Barack Obama's fault, I figured I would go ahead and take the liberty of writing a piece for Fox.

President Barack Obama and the White House has made some information available to everyone on the eastern seaboard, to help them prepare for the storm. Due to the fact that you are probably a Democrat if you even heard about this information from the President, we strongly urge you to do the following:
1.) Open all your doors and windows. This will make it easier for your neighbors to loot your house.
2.) Give all your canned goods away to the homeless, since you are such "giving" people. Canned goods don't fair well in hurricanes.
3.) When the storm hits, stand near your windows.
4.) Keep in mind that this was all Barack Obama's fault while you are without power.
5.) Place large basins outside to collect rainwater. Wait several days before drinking. DO NOT BOIL. If you boil rainwater you will get hepatitis!
6.) Store your batteries in your oven, when you feel there is impending doom upon you, preheat oven to 350 degrees and bake the batteries for 3 hours. This promotes longer battery life.
7.) Create a panic room filled with knives, guns, and glass, so your kids have something to play with while you wait out the storm.
8.) Don't fill up your car's gas tank. You want your car to be as close to E as possible. This will keep you from going anywhere, and will allow for more quality starvation time for your family if you are stranded for days.
9.) If you are traveling when the storm hits, get out of your car! Stand under trees, and as close to electrical lines as possible. If they happen to come down, you will have something to swing on to get to safety.
10.) Round up all your gay friends, and have a cookout.

You're welcome Fox News. I just did your job for you.