Old People Smell

My bedroom smells like old people. Like a mix of rancid Clinique "Happy,"Aqua Velva, and moth balls. My family is complicated and confusing. I ended up with my Grandma's bedroom furniture. It was a very complicated process to end up with smelly bedroom furniture that Chad refuses to put his clothes in because he doesn't want to be mistaken for an old man.

Let's start out with a little known fact. I have an INSANE sense of smell. Like to the point it creeps people out. I don't use oven timers when I cook. I can be in the other room and can TELL when something is done just by the smell. It's freaking annoying sometimes. Some people's perfumes make me want to vomit. I LOVE my Grandma to pieces, but her perfume permeates EV REEE THING. It's not so much that I dislike Clinique "Happy." It's that when it interacts with her skin it turns into a monster of Jean Nate and and Aqua Net. Seriously, the smell actually makes me ill.

Fast forward to now. My room makes me sick. It all started when my Grandma and her husband decided to move to Florida. They bought new bedroom furniture a couple years back, and the new place they are moving to is fully furnished. So, they offered to sell it to my Mom. My mom said no thanks. Then they asked again, and asked if maybe we would want to buy it. My mom knows that I am not in any position to buy furniture, so she offered to buy it as a Christmas gift.

I'm easy going. I don't want to rock the boat. I said ok. We do need furniture, so it seemed like a good deal. Until it exploded in my face. They backed out on selling it to my Mom, and then my Mom got all like "a deal is a deal." Then, they wanted to stop here on their way down to Florida, and I was all like..."I don't have time for this crap, because my Mom will be like "why you being all nicey nicey to those people that wouldn't even SELL you their used furniture?" To which I would be all like, "Who says NO Grandma you can't stay at my house, and the furniture is all easy come easy go. I have a baby that demands my every minute, and to be honest matching nightstands are not at the top of my priority list. But go ahead and tell them I am busy since clearly hell hath no fury like like a deal is a deal." I do love that my Mom is willing to go to war for me though. Even if this wasn't really a war that I a.) wanted or b.) really cared about. Still, it's nice to know that my Mom is like a feral cat when it comes to her kids.

Then, the Skype rings, and my Mom tells me she told them off. I'm all like whoa whoa whoa! PLEASE don't put me in the middle of this! I am already the hated Grandchild for having this EVIL blog. She tells me she told them off so much that they said they would just GIVE me the furniture, and bring it to me. What the hell did she say to them? It must have been along the lines of "Listen here old people, guess who you named to take care of your DNR?" (DNR is do not resuscitate)

The day came that they would be bringing the furniture to me. They arrived 2 hours early like all old people do, and then proceeded to tell me that my baby is fat. My family makes my head explode. Keep your "fat" comments to yourself when it comes to my 5 month old. I haven't put the baby treadmill together yet, and the diet or pureed Twinkies and soda is what he prefers to eat. Who am I to tell him no? Seriously, he gets breast milk, and like 4 pureed foods including squash, and a little fruit. It's not like I am feeding him gravy.

Now, I have a bedroom filled with a smell that makes me want to run the other direction, and the unsettling feeling that people think my baby is fat. Like, how do you even google a remedy for "wooden furniture old people smell removal?" I thought about using bathroom spray but I fear that might ruin the finish. I just couldn't foresee this in advance. This well fought battle ended in furniture that makes the whole room smell like the perfume counter at Macy's.

The good news, is that the old people smell is bound to cover up the fumes on the bed that is trying to kill me.