Monday, January 24, 2011

The Houdini Of Dogs

Last week I kicked a pit bull with scabies in the face.

I've had a serious case of the blooples ever since.

It's my body's own way of dealing with stress.

When I was in college, my roommates all went on spring break. Everyone except for me. My mom told me I would have to move home if I went, because she wasn't paying for me to go on vacation from my "tough life" to contract hepatitis from drunk college boys in Cabo San Lucas. Our landlord and his family also went on vacation that week. I offered to watch his dog. The landlord had a daughter that lived in our house as well...and wellllll let's just say he was a bit "off." Their dog looked like a mini black lab. Her name was Sadie. Sadie was beyond sweet, but she had one bad vice. She was a darter. You open a door and BAM! Off to the races.

I stayed in a college town during the week of spring break. It was beyond Scooby Doo ghost town. Like, cue tumbleweed here. I needed a night out. A friend of mine was in town from OSU, and so he said he would pop over and we could go out for a few drinks. I forgot to mention that I was caring for the Houdini of dogs. He came to the house, and opened the front door. Sadie SHOT THRU front door....and I was up and running right behind her. The few people left at the school were in the glass blowing studio across from my house. They saw me flash past them screaming something along the lines of "SAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAADDDDDDDDDDDEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!" Some claimed to have seen lightning, other said it was a rocket with heels. I smoked a pack a day at this point, and I was running like this was the freakin Olympics. (Keep in mind that I have on "club attire" to go out) It was like 9 at night and I was chasing after this asshole of a dog that was black, in a belly top and heels.

The dog headed toward a shallow patch of woods, and I boldly ran into briars with my belly top on. I wasn't looking where I was going, and WHAM a branch in the eyeball. I wiped the tears away, and realized that the tree kept a keepsake from my eye, my contact. So now I am running, one hand over my one eye, screaming incoherent words in the woods at 9PM. I couldn't see her anywhere....and then she appeared. OUT. OF. NOWHERE. She had somehow gotten behind an 8 ft chain link fence, and was running off into a local neighborhood. Logic played no part in what happened next. Dogs can't climb fences. I didn't think that part through. I decided to climb the fence. I scaled the fence, and got to the top and realized I had just given myself stigmata type wounds on my hands. I had to drop to the other side, and in the process my jean leg caught on the top of the fence and ripped from my crotch to my knee. The fence ended 8 feet to the left. I kept going. I was pouring blood, and then.....SADIE. She was going towards busy streets. I would rather have died in oncoming traffic than face my landlord. He was batshit crazy and may or may not have served time in prison. I wasn't chancing it. She ran off into the neighborhood, and finally I saw her on someone's porch. I threw every piece of deck furniture I could find around that dog to fence her in. I carried that little bitch home, and the minute I got in the door, I put her down, and excused myself to the bathroom, where I threw up in the tub and had blooples. I had to get a tetnus shot the next day. I still have scars on my stomach from that night.

That's how I deal with stress. I get blooples. Terrible, make you cry blooples.

Last week 3 pit bulls came at me while I was walking my 5 and 10 lbs dogs. The guy said, "they don't bite." Right guy. I am going to take your word for it. You have 3 pit bulls. You aren't my definition of trustworthy. Let alone the fact that some lady on this street made small talk with us this summer and said her kid had to have eye surgery because a neighborhood dog bit her kid's face. I'm guessing it was scabie over there. Seriously, the one looked like it had some form of leprosy. So, anyways....they are all coming at me all freaking huge and preggo, and my two very small dogs. I panicked. And gave a size 3 new balance to pit bull face. I have felt bad ever since.

Soooooooo, here I am. My Mother is set to fly in on Thursday, and I am still reeling from the scabies attack, and then another form of stress enters....

I measure my stress levels in weight of poop.

Gotta run. Doodie calls. <- see what I did there?

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