Chad: Ummm I'm pretty sure diarrhea, gives diarrhea a bad name.
Liz: If you didn't know what diarrhea was, you might think it's a pretty word.
No one warned me about what would happen to my intestines during pregnancy. No one told me that I would go back and forth between constipated and HOLY CRAP I'M GOING TO EXPLODE! I've been sick before. I don't remember crying during an attack of diarrhea before. Doctor's diarrhea cure? Applesauce. Applesauce will not make this better lady. The only thing that might is some sort of plug, and I am not into that kind of thing. I have to eat, because I have a human inside of me. But, if this were any other time in my life, I would just stop for a few days. On the bright side, I am getting a lot of reading done. I know the ingredients to every shampoo I own...by heart.
People like to give their kids special names. Names with meaning. Original names that no one else has. With all this spare time I have while "reading" I have come up with some other pretty words that until you really know what they are, could potentially be beautiful. Chlamydia, is a beautiful name for a girl. It evokes the sounds of the Greek Gods. It sounds pretty until you find out it's associated with leaking body parts, and genitalia. There's another pretty word. Genitalia. "This is my son, Genitalia. We call him Gent."
Diarrhea, in all actuality, is a pretty word. Why give such a pretty name to something so horrible? I think we need a new name for it. Something more raw. Something that signals what it really is. The worst day ever. I was thinking of something along the lines of "assplosion" but that isn't classy enough. The word needs to signify the quivering, gurgling, pain and angst that we all know, while simultaneously seeming harmless. A little old lady needs to be able to use this word as well. Perhaps it should just be called "the uh-ohs" because that's exactly what you think when you feel the first bits of stomach pain to signal what's to come. I think that's a much more apt title, although I really wanted to make up some sweet word that might eventually catch on. Something like, "I've got a bad case of the blooples." Blooples= sound diarrhea makes. Nobody ever said I was classy.
I am sorry but this word is also pretty...Labia. The word is beautiful. Until you know what it is as well. It looks like chewed up roast beef, and is no longer pretty. Yea, I said it. Cringe and judge. Go ahead. It's true. I talk about wedgies for 5 paragraphs, let's not kid ourselves on where I draw the line on things. Plus, you know I'm about to have a kid. If I can't talk about labias now, when can I? It bothers me that lots of people are going to see mine in ohhhh 5 months. Perhaps I could invent some sort of device like a very small shower curtain to shield the area for everyone except the doctor. It could make the swoosh! noise (from the shower rings) every time the doctor comes back to look at my progress. Awesome. I am going to work on that.
Diarrhea, in all actuality, is a pretty word. Why give such a pretty name to something so horrible? I think we need a new name for it. Something more raw. Something that signals what it really is. The worst day ever. I was thinking of something along the lines of "assplosion" but that isn't classy enough. The word needs to signify the quivering, gurgling, pain and angst that we all know, while simultaneously seeming harmless. A little old lady needs to be able to use this word as well. Perhaps it should just be called "the uh-ohs" because that's exactly what you think when you feel the first bits of stomach pain to signal what's to come. I think that's a much more apt title, although I really wanted to make up some sweet word that might eventually catch on. Something like, "I've got a bad case of the blooples." Blooples= sound diarrhea makes. Nobody ever said I was classy.
I am sorry but this word is also pretty...Labia. The word is beautiful. Until you know what it is as well. It looks like chewed up roast beef, and is no longer pretty. Yea, I said it. Cringe and judge. Go ahead. It's true. I talk about wedgies for 5 paragraphs, let's not kid ourselves on where I draw the line on things. Plus, you know I'm about to have a kid. If I can't talk about labias now, when can I? It bothers me that lots of people are going to see mine in ohhhh 5 months. Perhaps I could invent some sort of device like a very small shower curtain to shield the area for everyone except the doctor. It could make the swoosh! noise (from the shower rings) every time the doctor comes back to look at my progress. Awesome. I am going to work on that.
I like the idea of the shower curtain shield. lets take it one one step further. Why not have a hand puppet show during the down times. this way its intermission when the doctor comes in to check.
ReplyDeleteI know lame byt had to throw it in there. This is the first blog post that had me in tears from laughing so hard!
Hope all is well and miss ya!
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=blooples
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