Monday, November 8, 2010

How Not to Buy Jeggings.

So I am carrying high.

It probably means T-Money is a girl.

If you believe propaganda.

I live above the influence.

Most of the time.

Since I am carrying high, I decided I could use a couple more pairs of jeans. Jeggings (BLASPHEMY!) seemed like a logical way to stay in style while not cutting off circulation to my netherlands. American Eagle makes me feel like a pedophile. You know, you walk in, there is a girl there that is 17 with legs like a giraffe. The employee's are all ex-cheerleaders that lurk throughout the store talking on their Britney Spears headsets about the creepy 30 something in the store. They start tweeting Amber alerts as a precaution when Chad and I walk in. Sooooo, I decided Express was where my generation is shopping now. I usually like going there. Except that I like to do things like eat food, so I can't really afford to spend $70 on jeans right now. But, I thought if I find the PERFECT pair of jeggings and I would.

*side note: there is no such thing as a perfect pair of jeggings, I now know this.

I find a pile of jeans/jeggings that I hope will fit me. I head towards the opening to the fitting rooms. I stand in the void of nothingness as the dressing room attendant ignores me. I then have this conversation with faux hawk jerry curl.
Me: Are the the dressing rooms in use?
(there's a long pause and blank stare, probably the robot booting up)
Faux Hawk: Ummm yea, and the line is at the other end of the store.
Me: Sorry, I feel so silly for assuming that the opening to the dressing rooms was a way IN.
Faux Hawk: Right, well most people don't make that mistake.
....................this is where I start losing my temper and I blacked out in a fit of pregnancy rage, what I remember probably didn't really happen because I am not in jail..............
Me: Well, perhaps a sign or two might distinguish entrance from exit. Didn't realize that your job was that important dude.
Faux Hawk: I save lives. One pair of jeans at a time.
Me: You do realize that your job consists of folding clothes that have been directly next to people's crotches right?
Faux Hawk: Yes, but I do it exclusively in Express clothing.

I waiting for 20 minutes for a dressing room. Just to realize that Express missed the memo on Jeggings. They are supposed to be stretch pants disguised as jeans. Not jeans with some stretch in them. Those are just normal jeans. I left 6 pairs of jeans on the floor inside the dressing room. I went so far as to turn every pair inside out.

I showed him.

Suck it Express. I would rather wear Mom jeans than apparel made out of the hopes and dreams of everyone that tries on clothes at your store. I am pretty sure I am going to start telling people that's what my clothes are made out of. That and lima beans. They don't have nearly enough to do. Except make people fart.

Where did you get those jeans?

The store that makes apparel out of hopes and dreams of everyone else that tried this on and failed. I got to  keep the jeans because I figured out how to put them on.

3 comments:

  1. LOL.
    If it helps, you should try Maurices or Charlotte Russe. I am sooo picky about my jeans and they ALWAYS have a pair that fit me and I LOVE Charlotte Russe's jeggings! They are so comfy!
    <3
    Ally

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  2. I'm not gonna lie. I got the most delightful pair of jeggings last year at Motherhood. They were actually leggings disguised as jeans. I still wear them from time to time. In fact, I wore them on Thursday.

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  3. LOL great job turning the jeans inside out! I applaud you for showing that arrogant douche!

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