Letter to Future Me

This is a post to future me.

When I am dealing with teen angst, hormones, drinking, and sex.

I tend to forget things as I get older. I seem to magically no longer remember bits from my past, like knocking a friend's rearview mirror off the windshield with my head. My memory is horrible. I am glad I have friends that remind me of my life. (we will find out years from now I have some weird memory disorder and they will make movies about me)

So, future Liz. There will come a time when you are faced with the dreaded sex talk. I want to give future Liz a few pointers on how to deal with this from a more youthful perspective. Realistically speaking, I will be around 45 when T starts down that road. Future me isn't as cool as present me. Present me doesn't get puked on.

Note to self. Remind T of your first heavy drinking experience. You know, the time when you went to your Mom's friends house, downed 1/4 of a bottle of Absolute, and walked around your Mom's friends house topless.  Yea. I did that. Can't forget the end of the story....where I peed the bed. I don't want to have to find a waterproof mattress cover for my 17 year old. If I do have to, I will be telling allllllll of your friends T.

Dear Future Liz,
   Remember when you were 17? You drank, made bad decisions, and lost your virginity. Teach your kid to drink responsibly. Show them that you do in fact drink, and that when you do, you have a DD. At least one time while being an "example" pretend to become super drunk and totally embarrass the ever living crap out said child. Not by telling embarrassing child related stories, but by dancing on table tops, talking on your shoe phone, and telling everyone your college exploits. Pop out an old lady boob for extra points. It will show your kid that they never want to be that person. 


  Try to think back to when you were 17. Britney Spears was all the rage, you got your belly button pierced at a place that was probably condemned for hepatitis. Even Jenna Jameson was like, "Ugh! That place is dirty!" (in my thoughts Jenna Jameson narrates) Most of all you wanted to be sexy. You wanted boys to want you. Don't make sex something uncomfortable. If you want your child to NEVER talk to you about sex, reference your own sex life with Chad. That will pretty much make said child NEVER talk to you about it. Instead, focus on the reality. In this day and age, a lot of people don't have the luxury of meeting 1 person and it's happily ever after. Think of sex like Halloween candy. When you get all those choices, you pick the good candy. You don't eat all of it at once, or you get sick, and the Tootsie rolls go uneaten because they just aren't that great. Just because sex is being offered by tons, don't accept because you will get sick, or you will end up having sex with a lot of Tootsie rolls. Also, tell kid that saran wrap is not an acceptable alternative to a condom.

  Remind your kid that they have YEARS to go before they will likely settle down into a long term relationship with the person they will marry. So, don't start racking up the numbers too young or by the time you get to the "right" age they will feel like a New York subway car.

  Your kid is gunna get their heart broken too. Remember what it feels like, and don't act like everything is sunshine and butterflies. It's tough. It's THE WORST when you are going thru it for the first time. Sit down with kid and eat a bag of Oreos and a carton of ice cream. Talk about all the stuff you hated about the jerk that did it. (note to self, you are never allowed to have an opinion about other person incase they get back together)

  When my kid starts dating, don't be an ass hole to the person they are dating. Remember what it was like when your high school boyfriend's Mom decided she wanted him to date another girl because her parents owned a carpet store and she was remodeling her basement? Yeah, be the nice Mom that invites people to stay for dinner.

  If I think of more, I will write to future me again. For now, keep being cool Liz.

Love Always,
Yourself