Wednesday, October 27, 2010

The Great Outdoors

      I do not like the outdoors. I don't like the smells, and I don't like the allergies they give me. I am sick of people thinking it's weird or abnormal. It's not. I have justifications for why I hate being outside. One of which is I don't like the way I smell after I've been outside for a while. I smell like am mix of sweat and ozone. It's gross. If the outside could work on not smelling gross, I might think about joining it more often.

      Another reason I don't like the outdoors is, that's where bugs live. Things that bite and sting. Things that would try to murder me in my sleep if left to their own devices. I don't even like the idea that bugs could be NEAR me.

      Birds are outside. I don't know if you know this, but I hate birds. Birds are gross. I hate birds.

      If it's 60's-70's and windy so the bugs can't get at me, I will entertain the idea of outside. Otherwise. Quit judging me. I am not telling you that I kill puppies. I don't judge you for being an outdoors kind of person. I am telling you that inside is where it's at for me. Indoors and I get along much better. Instead of 3,000 biting things it's 1 because I left the door open too long because my dogs like to dilly dally outside at the fence line to piss the neighbor dogs off.

      You see what I like to do, is take things from outside to make the inside more outside-y. The inside has things like couches, love seats, fridges that make ice, bug killer, temperature control, toilets, and carpeting. We have evolved. We don't live in caves anymore. We have houses. They are awesome. I will never understand the concept of sleeping outside to "commune with nature." That to me sounds a whole lot like, "I forgot to pay my rent."

      In closing, my future child, I will begrudgingly take you places outside. Places like pumpkin patches, zoos, hiking trails, orchards, and play grounds. That way, you can come to your own conclusions. You can get stung in the face when you are 10 by a bee inside of a rose at a vineyard in California, and simultaneously have ants under your seat in the rental car you are riding in that are biting your butt. You can get bit on the face by mosquitos in Florida when you are 11 and on Christmas day have 6 huge red marks on your face.

      Ok, so I am not really wishing this on you, my child. I am just saying, I really love you to brave the outdoors. I dislike snow, ice, rain, and sometimes sunshine if it's too hot. I grew up inside of a house, so call me crazy, but I like the feeling of being INSIDE of a house. Screened in porches are ok too. If it's not too cold, and there's some sort of scented candle around.

      I'm allergic to bonfires too.

1 comment:

  1. But living in an El Camino comes in a close second right?

    Sleeping outdoors also says "I spent too much fueling my SUV, so much so that I couldn't even afford an El Camino to sleep in. Fuck my pathetic existence."

    -Aaron

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