Shhh! Listen to Me Blink!

      I don't know if you know this, but I dated the president of the band when I was a freshman. It's on my resume. He took me to homecoming. It was a terrible night. I got a migraine. I sat on the floor of the "fancy" cafeteria, while he danced with lots of other girls and acted like I didn't exist. It was pretty awesome. After the dance, he took me back to his parents creepy Mormon house. We sat on a couch in the dark in the huge family room. He stood up, and just shoved the front of his pants in my face. I had never even kissed a boy until I was 14. I had no idea why he put his pants in my face. I just spoke directly to his crotch, "I would like your Mom to drive me home now."

      I have had made some terrible boyfriend choices. It's amazing that somehow I found Chad, or maybe he in actuality found me. We did meet in high school, but he was busy dating his blonde perfect girlfriend, and I was busy dating duds. I wore Tommy Hilfiger button down shirts, and khaki pants from the limited. I got my hair super highlighted, and I drove a red Acura. Looking back, I even hate me. What a douche. 

     The summer of my senior year, I had a super huge crush on a dude named "Pete." I originally met Pete as a freshman. He was a bass drummer. He was dreamy. Until I actually started dating him. He had already graduated from high school, and was attending a semi local college. I am not joking when I tell you that our dates consisted of him convincing me that his eyes made a sound when he blinked. I would have to stay quite and listen. He told me his dad was connected with the Mafia. I found it hard to believe. He used to wear FAR too much Joop! cologne, and he thought that getting the top of his head permed and them doing a white jerry curl was somehow attractive. No wonder he was dating a high school girl. College girls were too busy hating the smell of Joop. I let him take me to senior homecoming. He picked me up in his pastel blue 1980's Caddilac. I begged to drive. He refused. My friend and her date were in the back seat. On our way to dinner she tapped me on the shoulder to let me know that Pete apparently had a stockpile of condoms...not 1 or 2 but like 50 in the back pocket of his Caddilac. We broke up that night. Actually, I think I just stopped answering his calls. 

      When I was a freshman in college, I dated a guy that was 2 years older than me. He also went to high school with me. He was uber popular. I couldn't believe that he would ask me out on a date when I was out to breakfast with my father. We dated for 3 months. He told me he was a virgin. I thought sweet, that keeps me from having to tell him I wasn't going to be putting out. He took me to a wedding. His parents were there. Before we got to the wedding he told me he had something to tell me. He stalled for a while, and then right as we pulled into a parking space he told me he had a 3 month old kid. But still stood firm with, he hadn't gone all the way with this girl that was the mother. Right. Immaculate conception. We broke up not much after that because the other guy I was dating at the time was spying on us from across the street and didn't like what he saw. That dude was a creepy hot mess too.

      I dated a guy in college that couldn't poop with clothes on. 

Somehow, I made it to where I am now. I have a normal husband. I'm glad he doesn't make me listen to him blink.