I think that I have avoided this long enough. I have been secretly thinking about it almost daily. Now that I am pregnant the day will come where I actually have to push the baby out. Naïvely, that isn't what scares me. I know that's going to be insane. That's why I am getting pumped full of any drug they want to give me. Except sulfa drugs. Those will kill me.
I have written a post or two about my problems with poo. You could go so far as to say that I have a legitimate disorder of some sort. I remember growing up and family members going into the bathroom after I was in there, and saying "Pewey!" Thanks a lot for starting the process young for me at like 4. Anyways, back to poo. When you give birth, word on the street is, you poop too. That is pretty much a culmination of all my fears. Put the doctor in a clown suit and have a party on my behalf in the waiting room (that no one shows up for) and I would probably just push the baby back in and hide. Seriously. I am going to POOP. ON MY BABY.
I really hope that Chad is one of those dudes that when he gets in there for the actual process of holding my hand thru the worst, he gets all green when he takes a sneak peak at the live action. I don't want him from row and center for poop and scoop that the doctor will have to give me.
I remember when I was in college, a roommate of mine and I went out with a group of my guy friends. She and I ate at Burger King before we went out. Needless to say, we went out and she had a lot too much fun and we had to physically carry her out of the bar. We went by to my buddies house and proceeded to watch her puke up Burger King for a while. She then told me she needed to use the bathroom. Let me tell you about this house my buddy rented. It seriously was one of the scariest houses I've ever been in. Picture gun shots, and piles of trash by the curb. It was a two story with a finished basement. Logically the steps to each level would be in a different spot. Not in this house. Not only did it go straight from the 3rd floor to the basement, there were no hand rails. You would take your life in your own hands every time you went to go upstairs. I peed outside at their house. My roommate made it clear that was not an option. She then proceeded to pass out on the toilet...pants down after she had taken care of some lovely business. I wanted to go home. I did the only thing I could think to do. I wiped her butt...and pulled up her vomit pants. My friend carried her to our car. We drove home with the smell of vomity Burger King. I still hate Burger King.
Is that what this will be like for me? Like a night of binge drinking at the Harry Buffalo?
Instead of waking up with a hangover, I wake up with a baby and 12 stitches where there should never be stitches? People telling me how they wiped poop out of my butt?
My sister-in-law said, they won't tell you about it. They will just wipe it away and you will never even know.
Trust me. I will know.
Where there is poop. I know. I may not feel it. But I sense it.
You know how when you go to Hawaii when you get off the plane they put a beautiful flower lei over your head as a welcome?
We welcome babies into the world by pooping on them.
I'm so scared.
Word on the street is that I didn't poop on Baby E. If they lied, it must have been a hospital-wide conspiracy, because two separate nurses plus the hubs said I didn't. It IS possible.
ReplyDeleteHowever, if I could have pushed E. out an hour sooner had I pooped, I would have totally chosen the pooping.
You know...I also know that when the time comes to push your baby out, you will not care because the pain and exhaustion of the events of labor will make you not even think about something like pooping on your baby. And trust me when i say, that if you still keep thinking about it (cause this was a HUGE fear of mine as well), as long as you have the drugs, there is a good chance you will not feel if you have pooped, they will wipe it away and you will just keep on trucking trying to push your little one out. I seriously had so many drugs, I couldn't feel a thing from my upper belly down to my toes (good thing, cause I had a c-section after pushing for 1/2 hour). I very well could have pooped while pushing, but I have NO idea! There was also like 6 people starring at me "down there" when I was pushing, so I really didn't care about anything else other than seeing my babies!!! (don't freak out about the number of people, there were only that many because it was twins, and they had to have a team ready in case we needed to switch to a c-section -which ended up happening...). You will be fine when it comes time, trust me! And even if you do poop...LOTS of people do when they give birth!!! You will not be alone! LOL!!!
ReplyDeleteAlso, from both of my experiences, they don't let you eat. So the likelihood of pooping is much less. I mean, the entire time you are in labor they will only let you eat ice chips. I didn't poop either time and you know my mom would have told me ;) (this is Juli)
ReplyDeleteMy wife did poo during birth and it wasnt the most pleasant thing in the world,
ReplyDeleteBTW...my house was not that bad. Did you know I was the only one who lived at that house that never fell down the stairs? Melissa managed to fall UP them quite alot. Thats right, I said UP!
We didnt have bullet holes in the house but we did have the meth house across the street.
One last thing, thank GOD your friend is light and melssa made me get rid of that chair she decided to leave burger king behind in
Ohhhhh Brad! Hahaha...it fit with the house. Yes, it was that bad. I always wondered if my tires would still be on my car when I came out of your house. You may not have had bullet holes....but I am pretty sure everyone on that street had a gun. Or 7. The Burger King smell still haunts me...Like, I can think about it, and smell it again.
ReplyDeleteThat was a horrible night. Seriously. I think we were there for all of an hour...grrrr. Like what was she drinking? Lighter fluid?
At least you are honest about your wife's potty break. By the time the baby comes out I am sure I will just want it out.