Friday, October 29, 2010

Who I Am

      Ok. This is going to be one of those girly posts. Just an FYI to my male readers.

      Part of why I write this blog is to discuss the issues that weigh on my mind. I talk about these things so that anyone who wants to can read about normal issues that plague a 29 year old woman. They may be your issues, or they may not. The actual issue sometimes isn't relevant. It's that I am willing to talk about it and openly heal for my own benefit and yours too. I believe that sometimes my own hang-ups are what make me sick.

      Like bagillions of other women out there, I struggle with my weight. I don't usually talk about it because I know there are women out there who have a much harder time than I do. Part of me knows that genetically, it could be way worse. However, that doesn't stop this never ending battle that I have with my own body image. It doesn't stop with my body either. I have severe issues with my skin too. I am telling you this because I am struggling a little more than I normally do with body image because I am pregnant. Things are growing as they naturally should, and it is wonderful and upsetting all at once.

      I've gotten caught up in the idea of sex appeal. For years I had jobs that revolved around being attractive and sexy. I look back at those years, and think about how great I looked. The thing is, that at the time, I hated myself. I hated the way I looked. I was constantly self conscious, and my skin was always a wreck.

      As I've gotten older some of the body issues have subsided because I am now married. I don't feel a constant need to be perfect. We got it like that. We want the other to be healthy AND happy. I have always had major insecurities that if my sexy was gone, so would the man I was with. Now, I battle the beginning of aging and pregnancy. I know it will only get worse. Or does it? We are all obsessed with the wrong things. I know a lot of this has been tiredly discussed, but it doesn't make it any less relevant.

      I am not saying we all need to go out and start volunteering, and go all crazy. What I am saying is that we need to start seeing ourselves for who we are. Loving others around us for what we admire about them. I have spent the last few years getting in touch with people from my past to let them know things that have stuck with me for the long haul of my life. That they touched me. They are special. I encourage  you all to do the same. Let those around you know the things you think are pretty awesome about them. I know it's a little uncomfortable to give gushing comments at first, but think about the impact that it can have on someone else.

      What plagues me with my skin, plagues me with my life. I go nose to nose with my mirror, and dissect every pore on my face. I focus on every minuet flaw, and don't focus on the bigger stuff. I hope that by helping myself I am helping others. I need to focus more on what it is that makes me so special, and less on the clogged pores of my life.

      So today, I say screw it. I am taking a new stance.

My baby belly is sexy. I have a life inside of me, and I feel like I am glowing as a result.

My skin isn't perfect. I grow hair on my legs too. So what?

I get depressed. I go on meds to help even things out. I'm glad I did it.

I love my sense of humor.

      Today, I change. Today I allow myself to be comfortable with the age I am and the belly I grow. I will never wear the jeans I did in college. Those jeans signify self loathing. I won't do that. I am going to embrace who I am with all I have. My imperfections are beautiful, and part of what makes me a whole person. Today I show everyone that I am who I am, and I will get older. I will be a different sexy. I will be a sexy filled with wisdom, generosity, kindness, and some over indulgence in candy and cake.

      We are all here together. Let's let each other know that we aren't alone.

3 comments:

  1. I've grown so much since Cosmo school. I've gotten more confident, dropped weight, and did it for no one else but myself. It felt good. And I feel good, for me. Not for my husband, my family, friends, or clients. Me.

    You were super sexy before you got preggo, and you still are b/c you are just now starting to get a bump. And baby bumps are cute. Pregnant women are beautiful.

    If it makes you feel any better, I've shaved my legs like once, in the last 3 months or something. Its really gross, but Aaron's not here so I don't care, lol.

    I LOVE YOU!!!!

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  2. So agreed, L! Hear, hear! I spent my formative years HATING myself. In middle school and high school, I was convinced that I was ugly and would never get married. I was so defensive all of the time because of it, felt like I had to front that I was "good enough." It was an exhausting way to live. I've made peace with my body and my face since then, but pregnancy was intense--watching my scale take off to about 50 pounds over my regular weight was unnerving. Anyway, the talking about it is so therapeutic. I'm really happy we're in touch--it reminds me that I'm not alone in all the conflicting thoughts and feelings I've gone through in the past year!

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  3. Isn't it such a struggle? I mean, my Irish roots are celebrated for countless reasons, but lets face it, the Irish physique is not one of them!
    The other night, I relished in the fact that Shawn and I had an ice cream picnic on the living room floor at 2am. As long as I have an overall sense of health, I'm having high caloric, early morning picnics with the love of my life.
    I may have some junk in my trunk, but it makes life fun ;)

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