Random Thoughts

When I got pregnant, it started awesome.

Then, I started to feel and look like Flavor Flav.

Times, they were tough.

I still don't feel great.

I am in the second trimester.

All my pregnant friends said it will ease off in the second trimester.

All my pregnant friends are liars.

      There are so many things I would like to get done. We have two bedrooms upstairs with beds in them that I haven't even been into since moving day. Our suitcases from when we moved in back in August are still in the dining room. They are filled with all the clothes that I used to be able to wear.  Things like skinny jeans, and form fitting sweaters. I am great at washing clothing (well not lately) and I am good at folding laundry. I am terrible at putting laundry away. It goes into the clothes basket folded to sit on the floor of our bedroom for a week. What I should be doing is organizing for when the baby comes. How could I possibly be ready for a child if I can't even push myself to file the electric bill in the filing cabinet?

I'm making stuffed peppers for dinner.

I also made a jello fruit salad that I love.

I am hoping to poop sometime today.

     Some people may know this about me already, others may not. I have struggled with depression for a long time in my life. I have been on and off medications since I was 18 years old. When Chad and I started trying for children I was taking an antidepressant. 9 months before I actually concieved, we thought I was pregnant. I wanted to try going without the medication. I can usually get by for about a year on my own before I start to really need it again. So, here we are at a year. I just think that not enough people talk about it. I struggle with depression. It's part of what makes me who I am. It doesn't define me, but it makes the ups better and the downs a little worse. It's just part of life. The doctors decided that my thyroid will most likely correct itself. Some of my feelings and general malaise may be due to mild depression. I started back on a medication. I am telling everyone this because I am not ashamed. Pregnancy is supposed to be one of the happiest times in my life. If it's not, I should take care of it. I know I have a life inside of me. I know taking a medication could have some potential side effects. So would me not being around to take care of my child. I am no where near that point, do not worry. But, why should I let it get that bad before I take care of it? Pregnancy brings up a lot of things. So, this is me telling everyone who reads about the reality of me. I have a wonderfully supportive husband, and a great life. Sometimes, things just get all Gary Busey on me.

      We went to a pregnancy fair on the base this weekend. The doctors and nurses on the base kept saying it was a great thing to go to, to learn about different things like breast feeding, and get lots of free stuff. It was just the on base nurses, with what looked like middle school science fair cardboard stations, and some signups. Really? Lots of "free" stuff turned out to be a rattle and a pair of booties with clowns on them. I HATE CLOWNS.

      My family has started planning my baby shower. I am really looking forward to it, but it plays into my super huge fear that I don't like to talk about. It's why I never had a graduation party from high school, and why I didn't have a big wedding. I fear that I will invite a bunch of people that I have been close with, and they won't show up. That I was completely wrong about them liking me. It's a stupid fear, I should get some counseling for it. What would I say? Yes, counselor, I have a fear of my own parties.

      All my posts can't be gems. Some are just a bunch of random thoughts. This happens to be a lot of random thoughts.