Birds

Playboy is now making perfume? When did that happen? I thought Paris Hilton was bad enough (and I hate that I actually don't mind the way that hooker smells) Not just one type either, but 4? Wonder what they smell like. The four scents of Playboy: Daddy Issues, One Night Stand, Implants, and I'm Easy. Each scent comes complete with enough birth control pills to last 4 months. Available at Planned Parenthood, truck stops, and other places where bad choices are made.

People often say they live their life by a certain motto. When I was 4 I used to say, "You're not the boss of me." I would say that kinda stuck.

When I was in Kindergarten a kid named Bart (no joke) tried to sharpen a crayon in my ear. I spent the rest of the year teaching that kid how to write his name, and the letters of the alphabet. I was also involved in the pilot program that involved putting us in front of computers to learn to write and read. It comes as no surprise to me that as an adult I am more comfortable in front of a computer. If you had to choose between a crayon in the ear, or a computer the choice is pretty obvious.

Have I ever told you why I hate birds? I hate birds. Birds are gross. I hate birds.

When I was really young my Mom took me to the Akron Zoo. It was really cold when we went. Like, I had on a white winter parka. I looked like a little Eskimo. With blond hair. And pale skin. And in Ohio.  So I guess not on the Eskimo thing. But, it had the fuzzy circle around the face and was pure white. I loved that jacket. I felt like a little Zsa Zsa Gabore in that coat. So my Mom decided to invite along one of her old friends to come with us. We will call her Annie. Annie was a hoarder with a pituitary disorder.  I am NOT joking. She was like 6'4 and built like a linebacker. She scared me. She was a school teacher. I felt bad for her kids. She had a serious case of man hands and halitosis too. She used to laugh at me. She would say she was laughing with me, but I didn't like it one bit. I am four lady, quit mocking me. So, we get some little snack from the food stand and we sit at this wooden picnic bench in the middle of the zoo. There are no leaves on the trees and it's all eerie and spooky. There are crows everywhere. I think there was a murder in the trees around there. Anything that calls their "neighborhood" a MURDER is creepy. So, I am eating my snack and when I eat, I get into my food. I ended up falling thru the picnic table. Annie started laughing. That made my Mom laugh. Then, ALL THE CROWS started cawing. The crows were laughing at me. My coat got mud on it. It ruined the coat and animals and people were laughing at me.

Annie is still a hoarder.

I still hate birds.