Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Man vs. Food Used To Look Good, But Now I Am So Pregnant It Makes Me Sick. This Title Has Nothing To Do With This Post.

This is a reminder to you about your last month or so of pregnancy.

IT FEELS NEVER ENDING.

I don't care about anything anymore. I want to sleep, and eat, and get this baby OUT OF ME. I have the mouth of a sailor right now. I am calling my dogs names that even I don't care to repeat. Why? Because it's getting nicer out and they go outside to bark their faces off. In turn, I have to put on shoes, and something to hide my stained t-shirt and lack of bra. Then, brave the poop landmines everywhere.

I think it's pretty awesome when people preface they are coming over by telling me to put some pants on. Pregnancy pants are made for other people. They are clearly not made for me. Yea, I got a pregnancy belly but the spandex topper is about as useful as a snazzy napper. This is why I decided that pants were not a necessary part of my day unless going out in public. When I am wearing these pants they just slide down my thighs. Before I know it there's a huge panel of pregnancy spandex exposed under my shirt (and it's usually the flesh colored spandex) so at a glance I appear to be flashing everyone my pregnant lady bits.

I'm starting to feel like the lady from What's Eating Gilbert Grape. When I hit 40 weeks instead of taking me in a car, there will be some sort of large farm equipment that will be needed to remove me from my home. I forget my belly is there and misjudge just about everything I do. I can't get into my car with my purse in front of my belly anymore or the steering wheel attacks me. Sigh.

I got "lodged" in the check out lane at the Commissary a few days ago. My belly snuck up on me. I went to try to slide around the cart...and couldn't. Then in an attempt to pull things out of the back of the cart I had to try to get INTO the actual cart. People were staring. Bag boys were laughing. I was blushing and it was a mess. It was like the Austin Powers golf cart scene but with me, in pregnancy pants, trying to push myself up so i could just stick my butt inside the cart to reach the items in the back. I can't reach the items in my cart anymore. Pretty soon I will just use the motorized carts provided at the store, and only be able to buy what fits in that cart....sooooo basically a can of tuna and a bag of bread.

I don't have a snazzy ending for this.

I am too pregnant to care.

1 comment:

  1. When you describe yourself, I imagine you lying around naked like a beached whale in your house, but then I see your cute little belly pics and you look positively svelte and radiant.

    When I was about 34 weeks, I got wedged between one of my students and a computer desk. Yeah, not cool. I also, in the dog days of pregnancy, accidentally hit the emergency button in the elevator at my OB's office. A voice came over the intercom to ask if I was all right, and I said, "Yes, my giant pregnant belly accidentally pressed it!" As if the bump had a mind of its own...

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