The SUPERBOWL!!!

I feel the need to come clean about something. It's kind of embarrassing after all these years. The fact of the matter is, I am almost 30 and I think it's time I just admit it. There's no easy way to say it either. No way to soften this crushing blow to my self-esteem and change your world view.

I don't understand football.

I don't care.

That's why I don't understand it. I was in the band in high school. I cheered when everyone else did, and took the field at halftime. The game itself was irrelevant. I had flirting to do in the most sexy band uniform you can think of. Royal purple with a big old polar bear on it. Can't forget the white nursing shoes that I had to special order because my feet are abnormally small. (seriously, they are like elf feet)

There you have it. I am ashamed. Wait, no I'm not. It's a sport that consists of 4-5 minutes of ACTUAL movement, and a whole hell of a lot of standing around looking like douches. It's a sport where you can be a rapist and the ring leader of a dog fighting ring and still be successful. It's a sport that wears a TON of padding. I understand you run at each other. You also do that in soccer and rugby and you don't see those people with layer upon layer of weird sweaty pads and shiny spandex.

I am renaming spandex "spandew" because that's the reaction I have every time I see someone in it. It is a common decency rule that you cover your crotch if you are wearing leggings or spandex. I think those dudes need some sort of tassels that dangle...maybe like the Scottish that have that little lambskin pouch. Football players can put their "performance enhancing drugs" and their brass knuckles in there.

Back to more reasons I hate football. It's beyond boring. When it is on, it lulls me to sleep. The monotonous tone of the announcer that is going on and on about where some special flag of doom was thrown. The drawing on the screen with magic yellow pen scribbles that consists of circles, x's, lines, and arrows. Jazz it up or use your damn finger like a weather forecaster. I mean really. Have we not come up with a better way to explain something other than scribbles? Football is tedious. I have a short attention span. There is way too much standing around scratching stuff and not nearly enough running around chasing stuff. It's basically like chewing your food and spitting it out. Never getting the satisfaction of swallowing it or being full. (I could have gone the sex route here, but decided to keep it clean for once)

There is a dude that has one job. ONE. He doesn't do anything else for the rest of the time but sit there on the bench with a stupid look on his face. The kicker. His job never changes. He KICKS the ball over the post. THE END. If that's your ONE job, dude seriously you shouldn't miss. If I go to Starbucks I expect them to be able to make me coffee. It's their job.

I hate how "into it" men get. They scream at the TV and the world doesn't exist. I don't do that during the "Bad Girls Club" and there's a hell of a lot more action going on there than in a football match. Yea, I called it a match. I'm going balls to the wall. Let's talk about the time/space continuum that goes on in a football meet. They start a clock, and then STOP it every time they stand around to scratch. It's beyond frustrating to me. It's basically the longest running game of "Simon Says" ever.

I suggest some changes to the "sport." Start the clock, and then DON'T stop it. Let it go. That's how clocks work. Then, don't stop moving until the clock runs out. If said "professional" gets tired, send someone else in for him. Take off the pads. Let's see how tough you are then. They can keep the helmets on. Let's face it, most of them should keep their faces covered. The cops are probably looking for them.

There you have it. I hate football.

Happy Superbowl!