Sound the Trumpets!

I'm having a little freak out.

Mostly because tomorrow I go for a pelvic and after my last experience with the Hannibal Lecter of  OBGYN doctors I don't want to go. The other reason is that Chad comes home in 4 days. I am way excited....but here's the thing. We have been apart for 7 weeks. I am not sure how other people work, but after 7 weeks there's a getting to know you period all over again.

For instance....when I was younger and had a new boyfriend I would hold my pee. Why? Because clearly logic doesn't really play a HUGE part in my life. Peeing is something you don't talk about or do. Duh. I most certainly never pooped or passed gas either. When going thru the getting to know you phase all over again, a certain amount of this illogical thought processing goes on. Except now, I can't do ANYTHING about it. I might as well just get out a kiddie pool, and just roll around in my own mess. "Hi honey! Glad you are home! Check out my pee pee pool!"

Getting to know you again should NOT happen with 3-6 weeks until I push a human out of my loins. There are things going on in there that I should have been able to ease Chad into. Like excruciating gas and a terrible case of back acne. I am a mess. You picture homecomings from military events like in the movies and that poster of the WWII navy dude and the pretty chick with her foot up kissing. My picture would look more like Roseanne Bar, cream cheese on my pant leg, and some sort of semi-grimace of pain as Chad tries to embrace me and can't because of the awkward size of my belly. He will just switch it up to a High Five mid embrace.

As for the romance....welllllll let's just say that it's weird. You dream your whole life of settling down and having kids. I dreamed of being pregnant and how special and wonderful it is. You never really think about the logistics of it. What got us to this point is now unbearably awkward. I feel like a musical instrument (a Tuba to be exact). Tubas are not sexy. Nor do you look at one and think, "I'd like to have sex with that." Tubas also make very unsexy noises. I have been doing a lot of that lately too. You try carrying around 25 lbs human stuffs and not getting a little gassy. I don't do that sort of thing in front of Chad. If we had spent the last 7 weeks together maybe I would have eased him into it. Now, I have to get used to leaving the room every time I have to break wind. It's safe to say I will be spending most of my time in another room.

There's usually a honeymoon phase after a long time apart. I love that period. Everything is new again. The butterflies are back more than ever, and you just never want to be apart. Instead I will be spending my time in a separate room, farting. Then, my body will expel water, placenta, baby, and quite possibly poop. Thanks army. This honeymoon phase sounds amazing already.

I am a mess.

I personally will provide the trumpet sounds upon Chad's arrival.