Boobs

Capable of breastfeeding.

Charlie will take both a bottle and my breast.

I wish that there was a better place to put that on a resume. It really doesn't seem to fit under hobbies, and it would make for a strange "Current Employer." Current Job Title - Lactation specialist, Boob department.

Breastfeeding is a lot of things, and the first one on my list before I actually attempted it was "creepy." Before Charlie arrived I knew I wanted to breastfeed based on all the studies about breast milk, but I figured I would use a breast pump pretty much from the get go. I couldn't really jive with the idea of a little human sucking on my breast. I think before he arrived it was too attached to the sexual nature of it. In reality, they are human utters. That really brings it home, when you think about the fact that we have created the internet, gone to the moon, and we still do something so basic/natural as produce milk.

I have been involved in only a limited number of conversations that involve the topic of breastfeeding. You don't just get together with people and discuss the pros and cons over cocktails. Those that I had spoken to that had done it, made it seem like they were pretty much the most bad ass person alive, and we just waiting on their gold medal to come in mail.

When I was pregnant it seemed like there was a HUGE push to breastfeed. I get it, try it before you shun it. But it was wiiiiiierd. I knew I would at least try it though. When the time came, it was worse than trying to hold him for the first time. The whole thing felt weird. I called a nurse in to tell me how to do it. You would think the instructions for breastfeeding would be: Insert breast.

When he latched, it all made sense. I cried. Such a helpless little human, so tiny and perfect, coming to me for help. How can you deny that? Until I did.

You want to know what the worst day ever is?

The day you have bleeding nipples.

Or so I thought.

I remember staring at the frozen peas in my freezer thinking about how awesome it would be to just put them on my chest. I pumped for a few days, and let things heal up. I missed breastfeeding. Me. I missed it. When I went to trying again, he didn't want me. THAT was the worst day ever. Then I realized something. I alone provide him with nourishment. The time that we spend in that moment, it so completely pure and simple. It dawned on me that those women weren't bragging. They were trying to give me a secret. The secret to losing the pregnancy weight, post-partum blues, and overall well being. It's not the same as pumping, and if you have the luxury of being able to breastfeed you should.

After weeks of trying, 2 weeks ago he took to me again. I started producing hormones that I didn't while pumping. I felt beautiful again. I felt healthier, I felt better. If I could put breastfeeding hormones in a bottle and sell them, I would be very rich. I still have days where it hurts, and isn't pleasant. I have times where I want to be doing something else. Then, I stop and reset. The world falls away. I am curled up with such a beautiful being, grown by me, sustained by me. He is so pure and innocent, and in those moments nothing else matters. We are one. We bond in that action, I learn about his other needs and wants in the process.

Where I am going with all of this, is that I have been so honest about the process leading up to having a baby. Not knowing how to change a diaper, and just plain freaking out over how to take care of a baby. The fact is, you get through it. Chad and I changed Charlie's first dirty diaper together. Two set of hands. We needed all four hands when we unearthed what lurked beneath.

I've shared my journey through never having ever changed a diaper, to using reusable diapers with my son. My son. That still seems so odd to see and say. I know that a lot of people that read this haven't had kids yet, and they identify with my awkwardness of the process. I just don't want you thinking I'm all braggy braggy about breastfeeding. Truth is, I want everyone to breastfeed. I wish we all could. It's one of the happiest moments of my life right now, and I owe that in part to breastfeeding. Struggling with depression could have really clouded these early moments. I believe that a large part of my super fast recovery was due to breastfeeding.

Now, where's my gold medal?