My Pantry

This is the post that will either make you love me or hate me. It will be long, and filled with pictures.

When you are out in public and you see a bottle on the ground, do you immediately think, "I bet that is filled with homeless people's urine?" I do. Thanks Mom. As a child, I apparently really wanted to pick up those random bottles. Clearly the logical thing to tell an eight year old is that they are filled with drifter pee. Now, looking back I am left with a lot of questions...
Why would a drifter pee in a bottle? Isn't the entire outside his bathroom/house?
Is he some sort of beautiful mind hobo?
Does he have a urine distillery?

WHY WOULD MY MOM TELL ME THAT?
Now, I can't drink Mountain Dew out of a plastic bottle.

I totally have the potential to be a hoarder. That's why I need people to come visit me.

Did you know cockroaches can fly?

I found a cockroach in my kitchen today. I had a mental breakdown.

Seriously, on the floor of my kitchen. Charlie crying in his baby rocking chair, and me crying on the floor. Where did life go so wrong? I threw it in the toilet and peed on top of it for good measure. I am so ashamed. I am calling an exterminator. My Mom said it was probably from the dirtbag neighbor's house. I give his dog away and he gives me cockroaches? That doesn't seem fair.

 So, I got up and decided that Charlie would have to cry. I had to clean my kitchen. I just can't get the mental image of that fucker out of my head. So, I decided to clean out my cabinet.

Perhaps there were roaches in there. I pulled the oven out by myself and the fridge. There were none to be found.

I was torn between letting Charlie cry, and cleaning every inch of the kitchen because I have seen "Billy The Exterminator" and can't handle being the single Mom that lives in a trailer with cockroaches that are eating the glue that is used to construct my home.

Once I finished cleaning the floor on my hands and knees, I decided to go thru my cupboard. Here are a few things that I am going to share with you that I keep in my kitchen closet. I know I have them, and I keep them in there....I am kinda proud of these things, and also sort of terrified of myself at the same time.

This is my sweet closet plant. It's growing on a sweet potato I have had since December when my Dad came to visit.  I named him Bobby. I don't have the heart to throw him away, and he has repaid me by making himself at home. In another year, I will have a little sweet potato family. Judge away people. I can't throw it out. It has memories, you know of when my Dad came to visit for Christmas. I made Christmas ribs. Why? Because we live about 5 miles from a turkey factory, and we had to turn our water on when we first moved in and since then I WILL NEVER EAT TURKEY. It smelled worse than moldy feces. So, I guess between that, and it seemed like something Jesus-y we had ribs. And I had this little gem left over.

What's that bag behind Bobby? That's a bag of 4 year old cookies that my Grandma sent me for Christmas. I can't part with them. I am attached to them because it's from when she was still well enough to make cookies that looked like cookies. So, there they stay. Probably attracting cockroaches.

Yes, that's a lampshade. Yes, that is where I keep it. Do you have a better idea of a place to keep an extra lampshade?
When I was growing up my Mom kept the scissors on hooks inside our pantry...but not near the floor...like 5 feet in the air. I keep my scissors in a drawer and every time I pull them out, I think that I should have them hanging up somewhere. I use my parent's organizational system, to an extent. When I go to other people's houses I assume they use the same type of organizational system...
Did I mention that's the side of the pantry she kept our Halloween candy? Yea, right next to the dangling spikes of death.

Now, all I can do is think of how I have strayed. I keep lampshades next to sweet potatoes I have owned so long that I have named them and they are growing NEW potatoes.

Charlie, I apologize in advance for when you go to a friend's house and don't find lampshades in the place you think they should be.