Dildo Necklace

With all this fun we've had at my Mom's expense, I feel it's only right that I tell an embarrassing story about me...Welllll let's be honest. I don't really embarrass easily.

When I was 18 I was set to go to Ohio State. Then, I decided that getting wasted at my Mom's friends house on a Tuesday night was a way better option. I ended up playing pool topless and then got behind the wheel. I am not proud of that. Somehow, I made it home. Then, I had to "check in" with my Mom. I had to go into her bedroom and say I was home. I actually remember telling her I was fine, and just really tired. The fury of a wrath was unleashed when she realized what was happening. I ended up throwing up, and waking up in a pool of my own urine that night.

She called over to the house I was at. The son didn't answer the first 10 or so times she called. He then did answer and told my Mom that I had barged into his house, and helped myself to their liquor cabinet, by myself. Yea, I break into people's houses that look like they have a liquor cabinet, and just start makin' cocktails.

Due to my drunken escapades, my Mom decided that maybe I wasn't ready to go to Ohio State. There would be WAY too many places for me to break into and drink copious amounts of liquor there too. What she did I totally understood. It makes sense now. The down side was that I then had to go to a local branch of a state school. It was like all the area high schools got all their rejects together and put them at this branch. (the only reason I say this is because I was in the art department with a lot of theater people) The art department at the branch was terrible. I was one of the "standout" students. It's like being 18 and a standout at Kindergarten.

I did make a lot of friends though. Some better than others. When I was 18 I was obsessed with having a penis. The product of a mother that said the word "penis" once a day for shock value I suppose. I would talk about wanting one all the time. Christmas time rolls around and a bunch of my class mates chipped in and bought me a huge strap on dildo. Ahhhhhmazing. I wore it like a necklace out to lunch at Olive Garden.

I wore it home from school, and was sitting on the couch in the family room with my Mom. I felt that her seeing this object might be a bit much for her old eyes, so before she came into the room I stuffed it in our big floppy leather couch.

Growing up we had a really really nice lady come to our house once a week to clean. She was what I believe to be a born again Christian. (should I capitalize "born again"?) She was very shy, and sweet, and devout. A few weeks later, my mother comes into my room holding the dildo. Apparently, she had the cleaning lady cleaning out the couches that week... she brought the dildo to my mother crying. That was a lot harder to explain away than you might think.

I love my Mom. She makes me laugh. She lets me be who I am. Strap on dildo necklaces and all.