A Purging

So, I don't like to complain about pregnancy too much. It took us 2 very long years of heartache and trying to get pregnant. It's not all puppies and rainbows when you are "trying" for that long. We wanted a child so much. We still do. I know about how hard it can be to try to conceive, and what it's like to have all the ups and downs. So, I guess that I try not to talk too much about the crap part of pregnancy.

Let's be honest though. This has NOT been an easy pregnancy. I've had thyroid issues, the beeties scare, throwing up on people, depression, and a problem in my back that has left me bed bound for a few days. I am in the last trimester. It's where things become more real. More "Oh SHIT this is ONLY going to get WORSE."

I just want my body back. Not like How Stella Got Her Groove Back kind of "body." I just want to be able to bend over. I hate that I haven't cleaned my floors the way I would like to in over a month or so. Truth be told, I don't own a mop because that's not how I was taught to clean a floor. I do it on my hands and knees. At 7 months and beyond, that's a laughable task.

I have enough estrogen in my body right now that I legitimately could probably rip a New York city phone book in half. When I am in public and people don't move out of my way, I tell them to. Not because I am bitchy but because, of the amount of effort it would take for me to maneuver around them. I'm miserable. I am at the brink of tears indefinitely, and a side station meltdown seems like nothing in comparison to this.

I am always hot now. My thermostat is now set at 63. I am wearing shorts and t-shirts. I would just wear a bikini, but in all honesty, I hate the way I look. My skin looks like hell. It's all weird and dry and I have break outs that rival most teens. I LOOK very pregnant. I know it's "beautiful." It's "beautiful" when it's someone elses body. My hips have widened, and my belly is really big. I don't feel like ME anymore. Just this oompa loompa of pregnancy misery.

For those that have never been pregnant, you are pregnant for about 10 months not 9. I still have a solid 2 months left in this state. I can't take criticism, I am uber critical, I can't calm down, and I just want to bend over and dance to my "jams" in the living room. I feel trapped in this body. I can't exercise the way I want to because it could harm baby. It hurts to do a lot of exercise stuff too. He's getting big in there too. He's starting to really move and push, and kinda hurt me a little bit. What scares me the most is that it's only going to get worse.

Keep in mind, if you provoke me during this stage in the game, I am keeping tabs. I have given more than fair warning. It's not fair, and it's not nice. I want to thank a few people for something though.

Annette: I don't know how you do what you do. You have been there for me from the start. I know I am a lot to take. I don't know how you are so easy going and non-judgemental. You are really a true friend. I don't know how I deserve you. Thank you for your patience with me in my particular state. I don't know where you find all that patience and kindness, but it's about the only thing that's getting me through this stage of my pregnancy. Thank you for being the soft place to land, and letting me say whatever horrible shit comes to mind. People like you are once in a lifetime. Just know that I DO recognize that, and can't wait to continue growing OLD going on vacations to destinations with huge roosters and cab rides of death....and $10 limo rides where I insult the driver the entire ride.

Aron: You've been my comic relief. I have been able to find you always on when I just needed a good laugh. You've helped to keep me from really losing it. Thanks for making fun of stupid people with me to help me forget about what a horrible hot mess I am right now. There will always be a dead cat for prosperity at the top of my winter solstice tree just for you.